This question was answered by frequent QgQ contributer,
Anonymous asked you:
I am a butch lesbian who’s been single a long time because of baggage from a previous relationship, 3 years ago. The thing is I’m quiet, reserved, introverted, a little socially awkward and REALLY sensitive. I don’t take rejection well. I find this hinders my ability to get to know girls because from past experience, most of the girls I’ve met expect the butch to make the first move or to “chase” them. How do I overcome this?
Unfortunately, you’re struggling with some common stereotypes about identity and roles, and how this cultural baggage plays out in the dating world. First of all let me reassure you that just because you identify as butch you are not obligated to act any particular way, nor is it your job to be the pursuer in relationships. The most important thing you can do is make peace with who you actually are and what feels right to you. I promise that there are women out there of all types who enjoy making the first move, and it doesn’t have to be you. That being said, it’s worth exploring your fear of rejection and trying to remind yourself that if a woman you are interested in doesn’t return the sentiment it doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with you. It’s just about difference, and there is so much difference in taste and chemistry between people, that you need to try to stay open and trusting that someone who is a good fit for you will come along, even if it’s not right away. In general us queer girls can always benefit from being a bit braver, and telling each other how we feel more often. A lot of embarrassment and shame can get triggered when we think about flirting with or trying to get to know someone who we’re attracted to. Try to remember how flattering it is to be complemented in this way by someone else, and that at the end of the day you don’t lose anything by trying.
This question was answered by a guest QgQ contributer Pilar Dellano, who is an excellent therapist in San Francisco.
Pilar has her own blog, as well, which you can read here: lonelyforever.wordpress.com
Anonymous asked you:
There’s This Girl That Im Falling Head Over Heels For, And I Have NO IDEA What to do. She Say’s she wants to date me and that she loves me but she refuses to date me. Saying that she pushes people away and she doesnt want to hurt me more than i already have been, but im falling so hard, she’s so amazing..Waht do i do?
Hate to break it to you, but all you can do is respect her boundaries and try to focus on yourself. At least this girl is being honest with you about her limitations and her desires. That might even be part of what makes her so amazing. She’s telling you where she is, and there is nothing you can or should “do” to change her mind.
Ever heard of trying to buy milk from the hardware store? It’s not going to happen. Going after what’s unavailable gets us nowhere, and often leaves us thinking there’s something wrong with us. You never know, things with this amazing girl might change in the future, but what you can do right now is try to accept things as they are and acknowledge your feelings of loss, hurt and frustration. This situation is difficult for sure, but try to make room for the unexpected. Not getting what you want might be exactly what you need.
Thanks for writing!