**I’ve asked my friend Maya, an amazing therapist, to guest blog by answering a few QueerGirlQuestions. She’s a smart and intuitive lady and I’ll be posting some of her responses over the next few days…***
I’m still sooooo in love with my ex girlfriend (Can we call ger Jane? Great.) We were together almost4 years. We started dating when I was 13, making me 17 now. Buuut, She has moved on to this new girl, & they have been together for 8 months. But her new girl is moving away to college & we are staying in our hometown. Now, the problem I have with moving on is : she has told me that she is still in love with what we had. Whatever the hell that means. I have no clue. Because we were destructive to each other, to say the least.. Annnnyway, They have broken up a few times, & Jane has come back to me, leading me on, then when things straighten up, she just leaves. Literally, gone for months, out of my life. I know I deserve better, blah blah blah, but I’ve tried dating other people & I just feel…Empty when we start getting close. & I’ve tried just cutting her out completely, but that’s even worse. So now, we are “friends”, because I’m happy when I’m with her, even though I break down almost everytime she leaves my house. What to do?! I’m stuck.
It makes total sense that it is hard to move out of this “stuck” place you’re in because Jane has been a part of your life for so long, and has been, it sounds like, your first and only real love so far. One question you might want to ask yourself is: what aspect of her, or the relationship are YOU still in love with? You say that you were destructive when you were together, and that you break down every time she leaves your house. It seems like you have a hard time understanding why she is still engaged in this dynamic, so why are you? I know it’s easier said than done to disconnect from someone you love. It is painful and heartbreaking. But it sounds like a part of you already knows that’s what you have to do (“ I know I deserve better blah blah blah”). Well you do deserve better. And it is also tempting to get addicted to drama sometimes, especially when it’s what you’re comfortable with and all you’ve known. I recommend taking a break from the dating scene for a minute, to ground yourself and figure out what you really want in a relationship. It might be more painful to date other people right now if you’re still so tied to your ex. I promise you though, you will fall in love again someday, and while it might feel different, it will also be wonderful and probably a bit healthier than this relationship if you take som time out for yourself first. I know this might not be what you want to hear, but you do actually deserve to make yourself the priority right now, and it sounds like your ex is not a positive influence in your life.
Anonymous asked you: So I’m seventeen and bisexual. I’ve only been in relationships with guys because I get more crushes on them than girls. However, my crushes on guys are much more emotional and while sometimes they are sexual, I also get grossed out by sex with guys. My crushes on girls are more sexual but I’ve never acted on them because I’m too afraid that they’re straight and will be grossed out.
Is this normal?
You have put a lot of time and effort into trying to figure this out, which is totally normal. It’s like you’ve got a tally sheet in your head for things that lean you more toward girls, and things that lean you more toward boys. On the one hand, it’s helpful to be able to reflect on ourselves to find some clarity about who we are and why we do what we do. On the other hand, we can get carried away with trying to find an answer, but thinking about it and re-thinking about it wont make the answer come any sooner. So check in with yourself about this. Are you feeling so focused on your bisexuality that you cant think about anything else? 2 things:1) You mentioned that you feel afraid to act on any crushes with girls because you’re afraid the girls are straight. (Totally normal.) Can you try to find some girls in your area (or near you) who are not? Can you join the Gay Straight Alliance club at your school, or go to coffee shops, concerts or pride events where you might be more likely to meet bisexual girls? Don’t focus so much on finding someone to date as finding some girls who are queer to expand your friend network. This way you can lean on each other for support and you can all feel less alone. One of these friendships might turn into a more romantic relationship, and you may feel less afraid to tread in that direction if you already have some knowledge about her sexual orientation and how she acts as a friend.2) You also mentioned that you have more crushes on guys than girls, but that you feel your crushes are more emotional than physical. Although, you still end up having sexual intimacy with guys. You also stated that you feel grossed out by sex with guys. So I’m going to ask you to slow waaaaaaaaaaaay down in the sex area of your life. You are going through a period of examining yourself and there is bound to be a bunch of confusion, so it’s all the more important to keep checking in with yourself. If you find that you really want to be with girls, but are having sex with guys because you feel afraid of girls, you are doing yourself and the guys a disservice. You are doing something that a big part of you doesn’t really want to do. You are craving closeness and want the emotional intimacy that comes with relationships, but you are being sexual when you don’t really want to be. Having sex with anyone who you don’t really want to be having sex with is a way that many people closet and silence themselves. Also, if you are trying to be emotionally close to someone, but are having sex with them that you don’t really want to be having, then you will probably feel less close to him because you are keeping an emotional secret from him. Here’s the truth, emotional intimacy and closeness do not require sex at all. You can have intimacy and closeness without sex and vice versa. So when you are feeling like being sexual with anyone, whatever the sex or gender, check in with yourself. And then check in again. Are you really wanting to feel understood? Close? Accepted? Cared for? If what you want is emotional intimacy, then put the brakes on your sex drive for a minute. Check in with yourself again. Ask yourself how you can approach this situation with the most honesty for yourself and the person you are hanging out with. If you aren’t sure what your motives/fears are, can you put everything on hold and do something else? Can you slow it down to just making out, or just cuddling? You get to decide what your limits are based on your own comfort levels. Sometimes people don’t agree with where are limits are, and that’s ok. Let them disagree. It doesn’t mean your limits, whatever they are, are wrong. Lastly, here is a great article about coming out to yourself. Look it over when you have a minute. I like it because it really spells out that coming out can be a process that takes time and there really is no wrong way to do it. The process is yours to have. Do your best to stay true to yourself, be gentle with yourself, and be honest with yourself and others about what you need or want from them in a relationship. Best of luck, Cat