QueerGirlQuestions

i’m a freshman in college and completely out for the first time. i met this amazingly cute girl on the first day who’s also queer, and we’ve been hanging out a lot in a friendship context, mostly within a group of people. i really really like her, but i’m not really getting vibes that she likes me back - i feel like she’s into this other girl. i feel like this girl is my only chance at having a girlfriend in college. my school doesn’t exactly have a lot of queer girls. what am i supposed to do?

Hi! It can be hard to figure out friendship and dating in the queer world, especially when you’re in a new context like college. It seems you might need to be brave and tell this girl how you feel in order to get some clarity from her.  You can wait longer and see if it becomes obvious, but it sounds like you’ve been doing this for a while and need to know.  I just want to reassure you, regardless of what happens, there will be other chances for having a girlfriend in college if it doesn’t work out with this gal. You have put a lot of pressure on this situation which can’t feel good. Even if there’s not a big queer community, there is always more than one option. You will continue to meet queers at your school and in the surrounding community as time passes. Try to relax, take the pressure off yourself, and see how this all unfolds. Good luck!  Maya

Anonymous asked:

Hey. So, to start off with, I came out as bisexual two and half years ago, and during that time, I never felt right when I was dating men. A few months after coming out, I had an extremely bad experience with a male, and came out as lesbian. I have tried dating men since coming out and I never seem to get that connection I get with a girl. The odd thing is though, is that I have this idea of being with a man and having children etc. Do you have any advice? Thank you, so very much.

Hi! I can promise you that what you’re struggling with is very common and normal. It is not odd at all to have an idea about living a hetero life with a man and kids even though you’re only interested in being with women. You have spent your entire life absorbing images and stories about heterosexual bliss being your destiny. You can’t expect yourself to immediately lose all identification with these stories just because you’re a lesbian. My advice is to do what feels true for you, and not to stress about the ideas that you’re holding on to. It is a very big adjustment to imagine a life with a woman. You might find it helpful to watch lesbian movies, read lesbian novels, etc. to try to start imagining a life that fits you better. Also keep in mind that if you want a family you can do that with a woman partner as well. Nothing is closed to you because you’re a lesbian, but it might take some more work and creativity to find the path that is right for you.

All my best to you!

Maya

This question has been answered by Maya, an amazing QgQ contributer, and therapist extraordinaire. Keep your eyes peeled for more from Maya. If you’d like more info about her in the meantime, visit our FAQ page. 

hello. I am bi-sexual and currently been dating a guy for a year. I have always been open about my sexuality and i have been with women also,( however i have not been in a commited relationship)I now feel like something is missing and when i am drinking i have kissed other girls , however i have been honest about this. I feel confused because i do love my partner but sexually i don’t feel completly satisfied anymore. Help. !

So sorry the posting has been so sparse lately! There has been a lot of personal stuff happening in my world lately, so unfortunately the advice column had to quiet down for a little while. I’m coming back to you all, but in the meantime, my wonderful friend, another therapist Dania, (From At the Intersection on Tumblr) has answered some of your questions… Here’s the third.

Anonymous asked you:

So, I’m an openly gay boy and a friend recently came out to me but is

unsure of her sexuality. She explained that physically and mentally,

she likes boys but mentally also likes girls. And she said she could

imagine herself being in a relationship with a girl, but doesn’t like the

idea of anything physical with a girl. As a friend, what should I tell her

and how can I help her? Thanks so much for the help!

You’re an awesome friend for asking for help to talk to your friend!

Some of the best support you can give her, it sounds like you’re doing already:

listen openly. Let her know that figuring out sexuality and attractions is a process

and she doesn’t have to make any decisions about anything now. The best thing

she can do is pay attention to what she’s feeling with whom.

It does sound like she’s conflicted about being with girls; she likes the

relationship, but not the physicality. Good news is, she doesn’t have to run into

being physical with anyone. That part can come later if your friend meets a girl

she’s attracted to. She can take time to develop other pieces of the relationship

until she (and the other person) feel ok with moving forward in the fool-around

realm.

If you’re comfortable, and feel like it will help, maybe you want to share your

own coming out process with her. You can also tell her to check out Cat’s

great FAQ: http://queergirlquestions.tumblr.com/faq and this cool article http://

lesbianlife.about.com/od/comingoutadvice/qt/BiorLesbian.htm

about being lesbian or bisexual.

If there are any LGBTQ organizations in your area, maybe you want to take her

on a field trip so she can get a better feel for the queer community and see if it

fits. Sometimes sexuality is like shopping for clothes – you have to try things on

in different styles and sizes to see what fits and what you feel best in. And we all

know it can take patience to find that favorite thing!

Good luck,

dania 

So sorry the posting has been so sparse lately! There has been a lot of personal stuff happening in my world lately, so unfortunately the advice column had to quiet down for a little while. I’m coming back to you all, but in the meantime, my wonderful friend, another therapist Dania, (From “at the intersection” tumblr) has answered some of your questions… Here’s the second. 

crazyconfusedsoul asked you:

OK, so I’m new at this, but basically, I’m bi. I’ve been in a relationship

with this guy for 2 years and I love him to pieces. But I just

reconnected with a best friend I haven’t seen for 10 years, we met in

preschool. We are both Bi, and I just had my first sexual experience

with a girl with her. I think I have feelings for her, like, that I’m falling

in love with her, but we both have boyfriends. I can’t stand the

thought of leaving my boyfriend, but I think I really love her, What do I

do?

First things first. You just had a first! Congrats on taking a chance. Second,

take a deep breath and slow down a bit. You actually don’t have to do

anything right now. It sounds like what happened with your bestie was

exciting and stirred up some serious feelings; that doesn’t mean you have

to act on things right away since you also have serious feelings for your

boyfriend.

Something pulled you to fool around with your preschool friend. I’m

making an assumption here that you and your boyfriend don’t have an

open relationship and if that’s the case, is it possible that your feelings for

him have wavered? Most times, folks don’t go outside their relationships

to mess around with another person unless it’s been discussed and

agreed upon as ok, *or*, the person who’s fooled around outside with

someone new isn’t getting what they need from their primary relationship.

I’m guessing that it’s the latter for you; that maybe despite your love and

commitment to him for the last two years, something else is brewing for

you.

Sometimes loving someone means being honest about what’s going

on with you. Could you talk to your boyfriend about your new feelings?

Relationships change and maybe this is a wake up call that something is

changing for you.

It does sound like you’re falling for her but before you decide that your

future might be with your bestie, consider that she’s in a relationship

too. I’m guessing there’s no guarantee that she will leave her boyfriend.

What if you two took time to explore your connection first and you took

time on your own too to think about what you want. Two years is a lot of

experience with someone. You might want to think about how you would

feel if you broke up with him and nothing materialized with her. Would that

be ok with you?

No doubt it will be hard if you decide to leave him; you have a long history.

That said, relationships change because people change. And it sounds like

you’re in a bit of a transition. It’s possible to reconsider your relationship

with your boyfriend. If both of you are open to it, and you feel like he isn’t it

for you right now, maybe you can work on building a friendship with him so

you don’t lose the connection you’ve built together.

Good luck!

dania

So sorry the posting has been so sparse lately! There has been a lot of personal stuff happening in my world lately, so unfortunately the advice column had to quiet down for a little while. I’m coming back to you all, but in the meantime, my wonderful friend, another therapist Dania, (Who writes for “at the intersection” tumblr) has answered some of your questions… Here’s the first. 

Anonymous asked you:

what do i do when i like someone but it seems like she playing with

my emotions and is hard to talk to? :/

Ooh, it can be tough to have feelings for someone and feel exposed.

Liking someone can make you feel vulnerable to their moods and

thoughts (and actions) and when those don’t match yours, it can feel

like the person’s toying with you.

I hear that it’s tough to talk to her, and I know it can sometimes feel

like the harder path, but I’m thinking the best way to get through this

is to communicate. You could start with “It’s hard for me to talk to

you” and then go into what it is you want to say. Is it possible she

doesn’t feel the same way you do? Or maybe not as strongly? And so

you feel played with? To clear that up, I think you need to ask. Maybe

writing her a note would be helpful.

If you try telling her what’s on your mind, and you still don’t feel good

or that she’s not able to be on the same page, you might want to

consider whether or not it’s worth it to keep pursuing her.

Good luck!

dania

ashleyishbi asked:

Hello
I’m questioning my sexuality I used to think I was bisexual, I used to be turned on by sex with a male but I don’t even like kissing a guy anymore. I used to date guys all the time and never date girls now it seems I only date girls and only girls turn me on. One of my girlfriends back in January told me that she thought I was a lesbian and wasjust scared about coming out as a lesbian cause it’s harder than being bisexual. Help Please? thank you

It’s ok to feel like your sexuality is changing and evolving. It happens a lot, but can be really scary and hard. Check out this link about coming out to yourself:

http://www.ohio.edu/lgbt/resources/comingouttoyourself.cfm