QueerGirlQuestions

Advice and inspiration for your Queer Self from a queer therapist/relationship expert.

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<3, Cat

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Posts tagged "dating advice"

This question was answered by a guest QgQ contributer Pilar Dellano, who is an excellent therapist in San Francisco.

A little about Pilar:

Pilar is an often confounded relationship haver,

a rarely reserved relationship blogger,

and an always excited relationship therapist.

Pilar has her own blog, as well, which you can read here: lonelyforever.wordpress.com

avres asked you:

Hey, I’m Sydney, I’m 13 years old, and I know I’m a lesbian. You see, 13 years old may seem young, but I’m more mature than you might think(but not in the way that I do illegal things. Blegh.). I live in the South in a super small town in the Bible Belt. I’m quite far in the closet. A few friends know about me because I’m confident about who I am, just not to my parents, because I already don’t have a good relationship with them. On to the question part, is there any way for me to find any other LGBT members in my community or school? I’m not looking for a relationship, I just don’t want to feel so lonely anymore.

Hi Sydney,

13 years old is too young to carry an AARP card, or to get the senior discount at Dennys. It is certainly too young to do some of those illegal things you’re so wisely not a part of. But it is definitely not too young to have a sense of who you are and of what’s important to you.

Some of us come out of the womb listening to Lady Gaga and riding in a pride float, while others of us don’t discover who we are until much later in life. If you already know you’re a lesbian, celebrate it. You need not explain yourself to anyone.

Sounds like your decision to stay in the closet is a necessary one for now - especially if your physical or emotional safety is at risk. In spite of the harsh realities of your life as it is today, do what you can to create a world that does not feel stifling, cramped or shameful. If you have to stay in the closet, make it a livable one. Decorate it and invite trusted friends in for lemonade.

Your impulse to create community is right on. It’s been shown that having a strong circle of support around us mitigates feelings of isolation, loneliness, and poor self-esteem.

My advice is to check out local publications, the library, or the internet for lgbtq groups or events in your area or in a bigger town close by. If you have safe access to it, the internet is a wonderful resource - there are forums and online communities that will help you feel less alone. If none of this is an option, try connecting with folks with whom you have other things in common - musical tastes, sports, hobbies; I know it’s not ideal, but even if you aren’t coming together around sexuality, it will still help you feel less isolated.

Most importantly, remember that despite appearances, you are not alone. You have a global community of queer people and allies -me included- who support and admire you for being who you are.

Take care,

Pilar

This question was answered by a guest QgQ contributer Pilar Dellano, who is an excellent therapist in San Francisco.

Pilar has her own blog, as well, which you can read here: lonelyforever.wordpress.com

Anonymous asked:

Hello. I want to ask you something that’s making me miserable. I’m gay and my girlfriend is Bisexual. She’s always saying that she’s straight and I’m her first and last girl). It freaks me out because sometimes she says that a lot of guys are super hot and shit like that. It makes me feel scared.I always think that she will break up with me because she’s not completely gay. We’ve been together for 2 years. Do you think is good for a lesbian to get involved with a girl who’s “only gay for you”?

Hi!

I’m sorry you’re feeling so miserable. First of all, don’t worry about whether it’s good or bad for a lesbian to be in your situation, but whether it feels right for YOU to be in it.

The real question isn’t about your girlfriend’s sexuality but about how to manage your feelings about her sexuality. Sounds like her remarks about hot guys leave you wondering if you’re the person she truly wants to be with.

What you and your girlfriend really need is an honest conversation about what each of you wants in this relationship. Ask her the questions you’re afraid to ask. Your talk might be hard, and you might not like everything you hear, but in the end, it’ll be helpful to you both.

Security in relationships doesn’t come from making sure our partner is “completely gay” or “completely anything.” Security comes from knowing we’ll be OK no matter what happens. It’s sad but true: there are no guarantees in relationships. Relationships end, people cheat, and we can feel insecure regardless of our partner’s sexuality.

You aren’t doing anything wrong if you choose to stay with your girlfriend. Just make sure you’re clear on what you want and that you make room for open and honest communication between you and your girl.

Thanks!

Pilar

There’s a new QgQ girl at the party…

I’d like to announce the addition of a new expert Question-Answerer, Maya Johansson!

You may have noticed that there have been several guest contributions to QgQ over the past few months, many by the smart and insightful Maya. So recently, as the QgQ inbox has been busting at the seams, I’ve been thinking about bringing Maya on board. I’m so grateful for the incredible response this blog has had, and I’d love to be able to answer every single QgQ myself, but this bloggy is something I’ll need to work with another person on, in order to keep it going. Maya is one of the few people I’ve met who answers questions with the same thought and care that QgQ readers are used to.

If there are questions you’d like to address to either one of us (Cat or Maya) specifically, feel free to say so in your question. If not, you will get an answer from one of us. (Sit tight, it may take awhile. We’ve got over 110 messages in the inbox.) If you need serious help right away, please call one of the hotlines on our FAQ page. You are worth making a phone call for. Use those numbers for help, or even if you just need someone to listen. That’s why they are there. In the meantime, we will try to get answers out to you all as thoughtfully and regularly as possible.

For more info on Maya, visit her facebook info page.

We welcome Maya to the QgQ party. :)

Lots of love,

Cat

How do you handle talking to straight guys who think you’d be interested in them?

Anonymous Asks:

My girlfriend of three years and I recently broke up. She said she was unhappy and that she didn't know what she wanted anymore. She cheated on me earlier this year(it was basically a full relationship with the mistress, and at the time I was extremely sick) with a 34 year old married woman. She told me she stopped seeing her, and we moved 4 hours away, but I found phone calls to and from the girl on her phone(She was acting suspicious, and though you're not supposed to check each others phones, I felt I had the right to). I brought it up and gave her an ultimatum and she dumped me. That night she drove me home 7 hours to my mothers house, dropped my stuff that she put in plastic bags by the door, and left leaving me with nothing but $300. She came back yesterday, saying that she wanted to try again, but we got in a small argument and she told me she didn't want to do it now, but we'd try again by January (I'll leave to go back to school). I'm not sure what to do now to get over her, and though I know she's no good for me, I miss her terribly. How should I tell her how I feel, and what steps do I need to take to get over her and get on with my life.
Thank you in advance for your reply.

queergirlquestions Said:

It’s so hard to walk away from a relationship even if we are 99% sure we would be better off without the relationship. One thing that makes it so hard is that it’s painful. When you’ve intertwined your life with another person’s life, it will hurt to untangle from each other. It will hurt for awhile. There will be moments when you want to get back together just to make the pain stop. There will be moments you want to text just to get some contact with the person you miss. There will be moments you want to send her an angry email and delete her number from your phone, and talk about her to her friends. These are normal feelings for anyone going through a break-up.

One more time: These are normal feelings for anyone going through a break-up.

The trick to making a break-up stick is weathering the impulses to make the pain stop by contacting the ex even though you really want to make contact however you can. (Via text, email, through friends.)

Let the impulses come (because they will.) Observe them. Call a friend instead and ask them to remind you why you broke up in the first place. Distract yourself and do something else. Or let yourself cry and be sad and mourn the relationship. Give yourself at least six months.

After the six months, if you still want to call her or text or email, so ahead. But you may feel differently once the sting of the break-up has passed.

Best of luck

Cat

Anonymous Asks:

Hello,
My girlfriend is a gem, We've been together for the last 3 years through the thick and thin. I love her like nothing I've ever loved before. But lately She's become very clingy and I can't hardly have time to myself. She comes over in the morning and leaves late, and gets really sad when I don't see her. I'm a writer and artist and this is really getting in the way of my work. But i'm afraid to tell her how I feel because I'm the only person she has that she can depend on. I don't want to push her away but she's smothering me.
Do you think there's a nice way to get my point across to her without making her feel like I wanna break up?

queergirlquestions Said:

All you can do is communicate with her about your feelings and wants and needs in a kind and honest way. Her feelings are outside of your control.

Sometimes it helps to start with all the positives. Reassure her first that you don’t want her to worry, that you want to be together, you love her and want her to be happy. Tell her you imagine spending more years together and see yourselves having a long future together… Then tell her that you’ve been wanting to focus on art and writing but haven’t known how to do that if you don’t have time to yourself to work.

Maybe propose a date night once or twice a week so that you both have good quality time together and can do other things on other days.

If you’re worried that this conversation will send the relationship toward it’s ending, then you might propose couples counseling. This works for lots of couples.

Best of luck,

Cat

chuzzleblaze Asks:

wat should i do if i still love my x n i want to still get with her but she dont but then deep inside she does

queergirlquestions Said:

If she tells you she doesn’t want to get back together then believe her. Take some time apart. Don’t see her or talk to her for at least a few months. It takes time to get over our feelings but it can be done. You deserve to have a relationship with someone who is clear about their feelings and wants to be with you in the same way you want to be with them.

Best of luck,

Cat