Hi. I am a sophomore in college. and have only ever dated guys. But I think I’m confused. I have liked a few girls before. I find them attractive but when I start talking to them I think “wait I’m not gay” and then drop the idea. Then a year ago, I ended up really falling for a girl. I know she liked me back as well. I had the opportunity to date her but I didn’t. The same thought came up and quite frankly, I was scared. It freaked me out. i couldn’t understand what I was feeling. I’ve pushed it to the back of my mind until recently. I am now talking to a few girls and it’s sparking interest. I also find myself checking out other girls. Of course not every girl but there are a few I am attracted to. Yet I know there is still something there for guys. For example: I know that I am still in love with my ex. It was the most real feeling I’ve ever had. BUt now Im lost. I know it seems obvious as to who I am but I am still confused. And rather scared at that. Do you have any advice for me? I just don;t know what to do anymore. It’s gotten to the point where I am starting to question myself. I just don’t know what to think of it.
One of my favorite lines from Margaret Cho’s stand up routines is when she is impersonating her mother. She changes her voice into a thick accent and says “Everybody’s a little bit GAY.” I love this line because it’s sort of true. There is a guy, Alfred Kinsey, who did some research many years ago and came up with the Kinsey Scale. This scale illustrated that most people are at least a little bi-sexual. Kinsey found that only a small percentage of people had strictly heterosexual or homosexual thoughts, impulses and actions. The rest of the population had different degrees of thoughts, impulses and actions toward same sex AND opposite sex people. Some people thought about intimacy mostly with ladies, some thought about intimacy mostly with fellas, but most people thought about intimacy with both, and many had followed through with intimacy with ladies AND fellas. So please don’t think you’re weird or abnormal. (Almost) Everybody’s a little bit gay. And you don’t have to take any actions until or if you are ready. Take it slow. Make friends with a girl who can take you out to a lesbian event or club and see how it feels to be there.
Now, about your ex… you’re still in love? Sometimes we can jump into dating too fast in order to avoid the pain of the break-up. Are there non-dating things you can do to help with that process? Meditation group? Journal? Start a painting class or a new exercise routine? Make some new friends? Be gentle with yourself as you grieve the relationship and do things to support yourself through this time. Dating other folks will always be an option, but if your feelings need attention they will stick with you until you deal with them.
A great resource: at the intersection is an advice/musings blog for adolescents, teenagers, young people, and folks growing up. ati posts relevant news, ideas, and questions that provide information and perspective. But mostly, ati answers YOUR questions about life, love, and the pursuit of people paying attention to what you have to say. ati is also a place where you can post questions or thoughts for Dania or answer other’s musings with your own.
A great resource:
at the intersection is an advice/musings blog for adolescents, teenagers, young people, and folks growing up. ati posts relevant news, ideas, and questions that provide information and perspective. But mostly, ati answers YOUR questions about life, love, and the pursuit of people paying attention to what you have to say. ati is also a place where you can post questions or thoughts for Dania or answer other’s musings with your own.
**My friend Maya, an amazing and smart therapist friend, has agreed to guest post a few answers to some Queer Girl Questions. Here’s one of the questions Maya has answered.***
i’m a 17 year old girl who’s trying to come to terms with her sexuality. Ive only come out bisexual to a couple of people. But lately i’ve been realizing that i have little to no interest in guys which scares me slightly. but theres this girl i really like. me and another friend were suspicious that she was bi so one day i asked her. after i told her that i was bi, she admitted to being equally attracted to both guys and girls, but mostly being asexual. the thought of being with either gender made her want to throw up.
She also told me that she had liked this one guy and this one girl. But she didn’t see the girl anymore. She then proceeded to ask me if i liked her, and listed a bunch of reasons why she thought that. i kind of did at the time, so i told her yes. she didn’t reply to my text. so i told her that we would talk about this the next night. it was awkward the next day in school, but she still acted the same towards me. The next night i texted her and told her that i didn’t like her, and that it was a mistake and that i was confused and liked this other girl instead. she said “okay sorry for the confusion that makes me feel a lot better.” and then we continued to be friends and hang out. But i soon started to really like her. We haven’t talked about sexuality in awhile but i really want to because she’s such an interesting person. I try and flirt with her (such as teasing, etc.) but i don’t want to scare her. i put my arm around her once for a bit, which even friends do as i pointed it out to her, but she took it as me wanting to be more than friends. i don’t know what to do because i really just want to try a relationship with her. i want to show her what it feels like to be loved, and cared about. i want to show her so many things. but i can’t. It seems like she’s hiding a huge secret, and i just want her to feel comfortable around me and to trust me. So i guess what i’m saying is what should i do? i really care about her, but don’t want to ruin our friendship.
This is a very tough situation, and one of the hardest things about coming out and exploring your sexuality is having crushes on friends who may or may not be queer. It is clear that you care a lot about your friend and that you really want to date her and treat her really well. But it seems like the message she is giving you is that she is not available for this right now. You may be right, and she may be bi or questioning and not being honest about it. But even so you have to respect her process, she might just not be ready to talk about it, she might be scared or confused. If you want to be careful to maintain your friendship, it sounds like you might have to back off with the flirting, and just offer her support. You can still be honest and say the things to her that you said here- that you want to be a comfortable and trustworthy person in her life. You may even be able to tell her something about yourself and your own fears and thoughts about coming out or being queer, to help her feel safe. But the bottom line is that everyone moves at their own pace, and even if you have the best intentions you can’t force her to feel something she doesn’t, or isn’t ready to feel.