Anonymous asked: I am 21. Last year, I was sexually assaulted by a man. Before that, I had fooled around with guys and dated a bit, but nothing ever serious. I had also drunkenly flirted and fooled around with a couple girls in the last few months before, but I was pretty sure I was straight.
Now I am confused. I think I could be bi/pan, but I am not sure if my discovery of my sexual identity just happened to coincide with my assault, or if because I am now frightened of men, I am trying to like women. I don't know what to do, and I don't even feel like I can say this to my therapist. She knows about the assault, but I am too afraid to tell her I might like girls. I don't know why. I don't want to say it out loud. I have no problem with bisexual ladies, (and have been crushing on some of them lately) but for some reason I am scared of being one.
I know you get a million questions like this, and I just want to say your blog is lovely, and you are helping a lot of folks out.
Hello,
This is a very complex and important question, and relevant to lots of queer gals for sure! There certainly isn’t a simple answer that I can give you, but I understand how confused you feel about your identity, sexual desire, and how to heal from the trauma that you experienced. I am really sorry that happened to you, and happy to hear that you are in therapy and getting support.
There is a lot of trauma and specifically sexual trauma in the queer community, and the question about how this affects the formation of identity is so normal and complex. There are lots of theories about how and why we become queer, and I can’t profess to have an answer. What I do know, is that sexual assault and sexual trauma alone won’t “turn you gay.” There are just too many queers who haven’t experienced this, and too many straight people who have to allow this to be true. What I love about your question is that you’re clearly trying to explore what is true for you, and being aware that your fear of men could be influencing you. It also sounds like you were attracted to girls before the assault as well, even if it was just casual/ “drunken.” It is very common that in the coming out process we need to have alcohol or contextual reasons to act on same-sex attractions if we’re not comfortable admitting how we feel to ourselves. Or, sometimes it’s just meaningless fun.
I really want to encourage you to bring this up with your therapist if you think it is safe and that she isn’t homophobic. If you trust her, this is the perfect place to continue to sort these questions out. She can help you think more about why it’s so scary to imagine being bisexual, or admitting that you like girls. She can also help you understand where the connections between your fear of men and your attraction to women may lie, if there are any. There simply isn’t one “answer” to your question. The answer has to come from inside of you, through trusting yourself, and letting yourself feel your true emotions.
I admire the process you are in and want to encourage you to be brave and keep inquiring.
Maya
