Anonymous asked: I've been dating my girlfriend for two years. I haven't been as interested in sex lately, I still love her and find her attractive but I'm just not so into it. She is still in the honeymoon stages of sex in a relationship. How do I overcome my case of lesbian bed death and get our sex life back?

Hey there!

Soooo the dreaded Lesbian Bed Death. First off, I’d like to dispel the myth that this is a lesbian problem. It’s not, it happens to straight folks too. The reality is that sex in long-term relationships takes work and effort, and does not stay spontaneous and effortless for anyone throughout the life of the relationship.  There’s also nothing wrong with you just because you’re feeling less interested and your partner is still hot for you all the time. Most couples have differences between partners in their sexual desire or appetite. This can also flip-flop over time, depending on what’s going on in the life of each person individually. 

This is a hard question to help you with because I don’t know you two, and what other dynamics are going on in the relationship, but I can give you some general thoughts. First off, make sure you rule out any physical health or hormonal issues going on with you that may be affecting your sex drive. Many medications, stress, lack of sleep, and other things can have a major impact. I can also recommend the book Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel. It’s not queer-specific but it’s inclusive and very informative. The general premise is that too much “togetherness” kills eroticism. If you are too merged with your partner you stop seeing them as “other” you lose the ability to be curious about them and excited by them.

I also really recommend going to couple’s therapy. There are therapists who specialize in sex therapy, but even someone who doesn’t will be able to help you with sex. It’s all part of the big picture of your relationship, it’s not a stand-alone issue. By learning what’s going on with your sex life, you are bound to find out other important things about your relationship which will only make you closer. 

I wish you both all the best with this!

Maya