My question for you is this: What were you going to say before she came out? I’m glad you slowed down to consider if her coming out as trans changed your feelings at all. It sounds like it hasn’t changed your feelings for her… You can still tell her! Do it!
Sometimes it helps to start with: I’ve been wanting to tell you something that has been hard to say (so that the person can understand if/why you appear nervous). And then follow it with something like: I’ve been thinking about our friendship lately and I’ve been wondering if there could ever be something more with us. Our friendship means a lot to me, so I’m open to whatever you have to say about that.
(You can also offer to give some time and space so that she can get clear about her response. But she may be able to respond right away).
These kinds of conversations are often best in person, but if you’re feeling a little too vulnerable for that, then go for a phone call. You may want to stay away from text—there’s too much room for excruciating miscommunication. eek!
SIdenote: If you haven’t asked yet, you may also want to clarify if she wants to continue to go by “she.”
Best of luck!
It can be really really hard to meet people and make friends in the community, you’re right. And each time you put yourself out there, if it doesn’t go well, it can make it even harder to try again.
I’m going to suggest a totally different strategy for you…
1) Try going to do something interesting to you that isn’t focused on LGBT focused content… A book club, painting class, dance class. Something creative or super interesting to you. People are often most attractive when they are engaging in an activity that lights them up. Do you nerd out about roller skating? Join a roller skating club! You may find other Queers in the group, you may not. But every new friend you make has a handful of friends that could also end up being your friends. Those people you meet, and get closer to, will know the part of you that’s excited about the topic… The part of you that’s engaged and interesting and they will likely become great friends. The more people you know, the better a chance you will end up with a friend who is a Queer girl like you and is interested in similar things.
2) If you really want to build up your confidence in the Queer spaces: Grab some of your straight buddies and bring them with you to Queer events, clubs etc… It may help to have them nearby, helping you chat with other people there. Their presence will also remind you that you are lovely and beautiful and TOTALLY worth knowing even if the Queers at that club in that moment aren’t chatting.
3) It’s really really normal to have all these feelings and fears when you are working on getting your Queer network. So remind yourself when you start to think you will become the CatLady: Feelings aren’t facts. You might feel alone and un-knowable sometimes, but you aren’t. You are valuable and beautiful and an amazing part of this big world. If you exist, then a girlfriend (or 10, or 20 or 30) also exists. The next girlfriend will come along when the time is right. In the meantime, stay close to your loved ones, and bravely enter some other places where you’ll collect more loved ones. The ladies will follow eventually.
Best of luck,
I’m going to throw this question out to everyone…