I just wanted to pop by to say that I appreciate your blog and all the advice that you give other people. Even if I don't have the exact same problem or find myself in that exact situation, I feel like I often get something out of your responses anyways. Y'all are quite insightful! Oh, I also just realized that you two live in SF. As do I when I'm not away at college. Thanks for representing our city wonderfully. :)
Thanks so much for the kind words. We appreciate hearing from you!
how do i let her know that there is nothing to be afraid?.bc i really like her and i can totally tell she likes me to
Tell her. Simple but not easy.
If that’s tough, try writing to her. In a letter that she reads with you sitting there with her. Or text her while she’s sitting with you if your handwriting is too shaky… but tell her when it’s just the two of you, so that she can see that you really mean it. And then wait. Give her time and space in the moment, or give her a day or two to think about how she wants to respond. She might be surprised and react that way, so give her a little room and space to process what you said.
I wish more people understood what it's like to be a black girl in a predominately white queer community. To be fetishized but not actually desired in a serious relationship...
The more you speak your truth, the more people will understand. It’s not your job to educate people, but speaking up about it here and in other venues will make a difference.
It can be painful for a person to be fetishized, or to feel they are being fetishized, when they don’t want to be.
Queers are often lumped together (or lump themselves together) in a way that ignores how many different types of Queers there are. The differences need to be talked about in public venues like this and in the private relationships where they have an impact. You don’t need to have this conversation with every queer person you meet, unless you want to, but you need to have it with the girls you date. If you sense that the attraction she is having to you is not the kind of attraction you want, move on.
Move on how you need to. Speak about your experience to her and to your friends. Grieve the loss of the hope for something that might have been, and keep moving. There will be someone for you, with as genuine a heart as yours. But trust your instincts and wait to open your heart if you aren’t sure about a girl’s intentions.
Thanks for speaking up. Feel free to write again and let us know how it’s going.
why do i do if i want to buy the moon for my lady but i only have a little bank account?
What an amazing question… Make her a dinner, write her a song, paint her a picture, plan a creative date, take her on a scavenger hunt, make her a playlist on spotify, take pictures for her on your phone, tell her that one day you’ll buy her the moon but in the meantime you’ll give her your heart (which is more precious than anything you could buy.)
What does a girl mean when she says she doesn't have time for a relationship?
Situations like this are hard because when a girl says she “doesn’t have time for a relationship” it feels like maybe there is more to the story. Which is why you’re asking what she “means” when she says….
I think there’s always a trap we can get into when we start to analyse what girls do or don’t mean when they say this or that. The truth is, we don’t know what her motivation is. She might not be into having a relationship because she’s scared. She might not be into having one with you because you’re too gorgeous or too smart or too tall. And she truly might not have the time because she’s got too many things in her schedule or she’s afraid that if she starts liking someone she will lose her sense of priorities…
You can see… We could go on and on in circles about what she might or might not mean. And none of it would get us any closer to what the truth is.
So you can do two things. Since you’re wondering.
1) You can ask her. (She may or may not tell you more than she has already)
2) You can take her words at face value and trust that if she changes her thoughts about being together, she’ll let you know. And in the meantime, think about your (someday) ideal dream girl. Is she someone who can talk about her feelings clearly, or will she be someone you need to decode all the time?