Hello I’m questioning my sexuality I used to think I was bisexual, I used to be turned on by sex with a male but I don’t even like kissing a guy anymore. I used to date guys all the time and never date girls now it seems I only date girls and only girls turn me on. One of my girlfriends back in January told me that she thought I was a lesbian and wasjust scared about coming out as a lesbian cause it’s harder than being bisexual. Help Please? thank you
It’s ok to feel like your sexuality is changing and evolving. It happens a lot, but can be really scary and hard. Check out this link about coming out to yourself:
Hi. I am a sophomore in college. and have only ever dated guys. But I think I’m confused. I have liked a few girls before. I find them attractive but when I start talking to them I think “wait I’m not gay” and then drop the idea. Then a year ago, I ended up really falling for a girl. I know she liked me back as well. I had the opportunity to date her but I didn’t. The same thought came up and quite frankly, I was scared. It freaked me out. i couldn’t understand what I was feeling. I’ve pushed it to the back of my mind until recently. I am now talking to a few girls and it’s sparking interest. I also find myself checking out other girls. Of course not every girl but there are a few I am attracted to. Yet I know there is still something there for guys. For example: I know that I am still in love with my ex. It was the most real feeling I’ve ever had. BUt now Im lost. I know it seems obvious as to who I am but I am still confused. And rather scared at that. Do you have any advice for me? I just don;t know what to do anymore. It’s gotten to the point where I am starting to question myself. I just don’t know what to think of it.
One of my favorite lines from Margaret Cho’s stand up routines is when she is impersonating her mother. She changes her voice into a thick accent and says “Everybody’s a little bit GAY.” I love this line because it’s sort of true. There is a guy, Alfred Kinsey, who did some research many years ago and came up with the Kinsey Scale. This scale illustrated that most people are at least a little bi-sexual. Kinsey found that only a small percentage of people had strictly heterosexual or homosexual thoughts, impulses and actions. The rest of the population had different degrees of thoughts, impulses and actions toward same sex AND opposite sex people. Some people thought about intimacy mostly with ladies, some thought about intimacy mostly with fellas, but most people thought about intimacy with both, and many had followed through with intimacy with ladies AND fellas. So please don’t think you’re weird or abnormal. (Almost) Everybody’s a little bit gay. And you don’t have to take any actions until or if you are ready. Take it slow. Make friends with a girl who can take you out to a lesbian event or club and see how it feels to be there.
Now, about your ex… you’re still in love? Sometimes we can jump into dating too fast in order to avoid the pain of the break-up. Are there non-dating things you can do to help with that process? Meditation group? Journal? Start a painting class or a new exercise routine? Make some new friends? Be gentle with yourself as you grieve the relationship and do things to support yourself through this time. Dating other folks will always be an option, but if your feelings need attention they will stick with you until you deal with them.
Queer Girl Questions reached 3000 followers last night! When I started this blog I thought it would be a cool thing to do with my free time. I honestly had no idea that so many people would respond to it in such a positive way. Thanks everyone. :)
I'm a girl, and I am pretty sure I am bi, if not a lesbian. But the thought of sex terrifies me. Sex with boys, sex with girls. I am at an age where most have had sex, and all are very interested in doing it. I want to as well, but the idea of it scares me. Is something wrong? (what do I do?)
Here is a similar question/answer that I linked to on the FAQ page.
So, I'm 17 living in a small town where Lesbians are burned on a stick half the time and the other half they are congratulated. I hate that everyone knows my business and has to put it on blast because they have nothing else to talk about. That's not the reason why I'm writing though. My issue is that I feel like I have two totally different lives ahead of me. I really like girls, I mean, their looks and sensativity but I have had this dream ever since I was a little girl to have a husband and a million kids and a beautiful house. But now when I look at it, I'm entirely scared of the fact that I will always be thinking about what could have been with a girl, and vice versa. I just don't know how to figure out which life is for me. I know this isn't something that can be answered up front and I have to figure it out for myself but with SO many variables at this point in my life (college, job, major, where to live) I would just like some closure and decision to be made. I guess what I'm asking is how do I know? Is there anybody who can help me figure it out.
This is a very real issue that goes with the coming out process. You don’t have to choose the whole direction of your life today, though. And if you are to be true to yourself, is it possible to have everything you want and need without compromising? Could you see yourself with a wife/partner and a million kids and a beautiful house? Could you see yourself in a princess dress for a Queer Girls wedding?
It’s time for a brain drain. Write a few pages and just let your brain go. Don’t try to make sense of your thoughts or writing and dont’ judge it. See if there is a small quiet voice that comes to life on those pages. See if there is a clear direction underneath the chatter that your town, culture and fears have created in your mind. What is your truth? Do you need a knight in shining armor? Do you need a knight-ess?
You can have what is right for you… but the key to avoiding regret in the future is to take enough time to slow down and listen to your quiet intuition. If you weren’t afraid at ALL about what others would say about your life, how would it look?
About two years ago I fully accepted that I was bisexual and started coming out about it. After turning 18 and having my son I began going to the local gay club and I'm VERY proud of my sexuality. Only my friends know though. I would like to tell my mom at the least but I'm not sure how. My parents are not homophobic by any means but I'm still scared. I think my mom my have an inkling that I am considering the gay club is the only place I go and when I posted a pic on my fb of my new belly button rings (which on there I don't show my preference) she said they were pretty. I don't really know how to go about telling her and even more confused on how I should acclimate my son to my sexuality as he grows older. I want him to know who I am as a person and part of me is my sexuality. I've just recently began exploring my sexuality more and the want to tell my mom has gotten stronger. Like I said though I don't know how to approach her with it.
On the FAQ page I have a bunch of info etc. about coming out to parents. Check it out.
Hey (: Before I begin, I would just like to say how absolutely amazing this site is. I've been following you for a few months now and the advice and tips you give are so helpful and informative! Thank you so much on behalf of everyone who feels the same way I do (:
I don't really have anyone to go to for advice on these sort of things, the country I live in isn't very open about LGBT even though I know quite a few people who are like me. I'm 16 and i'm studying under the British system, meaning we don't have Middle school or High School, we've got Primary school, which is up till we're 12 and then Secondary school till we're 16.
So i'm in my last year of Secondary school and i've got the biggest crush on a girl who's 2 years younger than me. We've started texting a lot recently, but we've never really talked face to face. It's hard because of the age gap. She's never been in a relationship before and she might be lesbian because she's liked a girl before, but never a guy. I've actually only been talking to her for the past 17 days or so (she counted) and we've been writing letters to each other and giving each other little gifts. My friends say I shouldn't rush into anything, and I agree but i'm afraid she'll lose interest and the novelty of talking to a senior will wear off. She's got a really sweet personality and she's breathtakingly beautiful but she doesn't open up to people easily. Anyway, my question is, how long should I wait to tell her how I feel? Or should I even tell her?
Thanks so much for your kind feedback!
I didn’t hear any good reason why you shouldn’t tell her about your feelings. You’ll never know where she stands unless you risk a little bit.
I'm automatically attracted to hot guys, and want to see if they're attracted to me. I like the thought of kissing them from time to time, but I can never see myself being in a relationship with one or taking it beyond kissing. I actually want a girl. I want to fall in love with a girl and be with a girl and adopt kids and get married to a girl. But I like the thought of fooling around with guys for a good time, no pressure, just fun. Am I gay? I mean...I'm pretty sure I am. I just like messing with guys, and like toying with them and having them be attracted...I like power from them, because all I see when I look at a guy is fake emotions and someone who will never be what I want.
No one can tell you if you’re gay or not. But if you’re unsure about your motives and actions, and if they concern you, you may want to reach out to a counselor, trusted adult or therapist to talk it through. Also visit the FAQ page and look through all the Coming Out information.
Hello... I don't know how to start so I'll just jump right in. I'm a seventeen year old "girl" and lately I have been really confused about my gender and sexual identities. I often read the questions, and your answers on this page and find you say that sexuality changes over time, so I guess I need not worry about that, but my gender identity is really confusing me. I'd love to just say I'm a tom-boy like I used to when I was little, but now I fear it has become much more complicated than that.
Some days I feel completely feminine and want to wear make up and look like a stylish woman, so I know I'm not trans, but many others I feel more masculine, and sometimes I don't fell like either... Does this make me genderqueer? I try to understand it, but honestly I have no idea how to sort the thoughts.
The labels matter less than your feelings about yourself. I want you to focus on just being, not judging, yourself. You don’t have to label ANYTHING about yourself. You know RuPaul? One of the best things he says is “We’re all born naked and the rest is just drag.” Because our culture has been so invested in calling certain things “masculine” and certain things “feminine” we can get down on ourselves for not fitting neatly into a gender box. (For example, a girl with short hair is often assumed to be a lesbian because in the general American pop culture, straight feminine ideals include having long hair.) But there is nothing that needs to be labelled unless you want to. Unless it feels like the right word for you. But take your time. For more on genderlabels watch this.
Haha, thank you for your advice.
We no longer work together, and she's moved home for the summer, and may not be returning due to complications with University.
I feel like I can't just do it over the phone, I need to say it to her face, so I can see her reaction. It sounds strange, but I'd rather see it for myself, rather then her not reply to a text.
Thing is, she lives so far away, and she's not going to visit for a while due to money problems, I've offered to come up, but she has no where to put me for the night.
I don't know that she would reject me, we have 'lesbian banter' all the time, funny little remarks. That's what scares me the most, if she doesn't say no. Then what? I can hardly do relationships with boys... UGH! Apologies, whining on...
Are there any easy ways I can get over her? I feel like I'm violating her even thinking of her in this way...
Getting over someone isn’t easy, but it’s really necessary sometimes. Check out the FAQ page. There are a couple of links about dating and getting over exes.
How to know if you are gay or bisexual? I'm not attracted physically nor emotionally to boys anymore and I'm not interested in having a relationship with one either. I am only interested in girls, but I want to make sure I really am gay before announcing it
Please check out the FAQ page under the Coming out section. Coming out to yourself is part of the process before you come out to anyone else.
I would like to thank you for the advice you have given me. I'm the recent question that asked anonymously due to safety reasons. For a month now, I had been wrestling with the task of breaking it off or keep it going, but after tonight it was made clear, she and I weren't mean to be. Not now at least.
She needs to focus on school and cannot provide for a relationship. Yes, my past has caused me to act foolishly - I admit, but we went two weeks with no contact. She reactivated her Facebook and ignored my messages and deleted whatever comment I had posted. So I stopped being polite and nice, snapped (she messaged me after that) and we both came to terms with our issues.
I need to work on my trust issues and anxiety in future partners and it was all around bad timing.
Thanks for the update. Break-ups are hard but it sounds like you are already coming to terms with how you want to grow and change for your next relationships… That’s the best and bravest place to start. We cant change the past, or our exes… but we can always look to ourselves for how to continue to grow. It takes a lot of courage to step away from a relationship knowing there are things you wish you’d done differently. Break-ups are a good time to really step up and be kind to ourselves. We are all, each one of us, a work in progress.
Question, is it possible to not have any terminology related to one's own sexuality, maybe because as a virgin, nothing has been fleshed out totally yet? Not that i don't respect every person in the world - and every terminology ever thought out, i just like to think me and a few of my friends are just down right sexual WHY? Because there are no words to describe when you drool at just about everything.
So I'm not sure, but I think I may be bisexual. I know I like guys, but lately I'm starting to notice girls (a particular girl) in ways I haven't before. That particular girl is my best friend. How do I know that I actually like her and it's not just because we're close and I'm sexually frustrated or something like that. Help?
Hi… There are a bunch of coming out resources on my FAQ page. Click on the first one for help with coming to terms with your own sexual orientation. Take it slow and give yourself permission not to have it all figured out in a day.
I'm confused as to whether I'm bisexual or a lesbian, as I've only liked one guy, but I don't anymore and it was years ago, and now I find myself lying when I agree with my friends when they say that male celebrities - or whoever they say - is hot. I don't seem to be feeling anything towards guys anymore, even the ones that my friends say are gorgeous. I also can't see myself ending up with a guy, and I'd much rather be with a girl. i have guy-friends, but that's all they'd ever be to me.
Hi… There are a bunch of coming out resources on my FAQ page. Click on the first one for help with coming to terms with your own sexual orientation.
Hey qgq, I'm 17 and a lesbian; I recently came out to my friends and family and for the most part I've gotten support and love. I feel so lucky to have such an amazing and accepting family. Now that I'm out, I feel like flirting and friendship is going to be difficult with girls. I feel like any girl I talk to will assume I'm hitting on them, or no one will realize I am and I'll just end up friends with women I'm interested in. Is there any advice you can give to me to help differentiate flirting and just friendly conversation with women?
Trust your guts… If you’re unsure try some subtle flirting and then if she’s receptive and responds, ask her out. Here’s more about flirting.
How did you come out to your parents?
Mine have always thought I was straight & I have had boyfriends briefly in the past, now I've been with my girlfriend ages & I think it's time I came out but I don't want to upset or disrupt my family.. I just feel like I'm not being honest & I love her so much & wish that people could know her like I do and I want my family to love her too :( x
Coming out can be really hard. Nice work reaching out for help.
I have a friend who's a lesbian, and she just recently came out to me, but she's really enthusiastic about her sexuality, and wants everyone at school to know. But she thinks that instead of telling people individually she should just tell the gossips so that it'll get spread around the school without her having to do any work. I was just wondering what your thoughts on that were. Thanks!
Ha! Your friend is smart and efficient! Sometimes coming out warrants having a heart to heart conversation with people, and sometimes the person coming out doesn’t mind having the news spread to other people via the grapevine.
I’m concerned about your worry, though. What do you think might happen to her if she lets the news out in that way? Do you think she’ll be discriminated against? Do you think people will harass her or put her in danger?
Could you share your feelings and concerns with her? That’s really the only thing you can do. Her enthusiasm may be hard to be around for awhile because she is going through an exciting coming out process. Try to be supportive and compassionate, and if you need a break from her from time to time, then take it.
17, cis female.
1)Where the *hell* do queer girls meet other queer girls? I live in the suburbs of a very gay city, but it's not really possible for me to go into the city very often for things like youth lgbt groups and such. I'm already very involved in my school's gsa, but there are no girls I like there. I've never really taken to the idea of meeting girls online, either. So how can I meet girls without traveling to the furthest corners of the earth or dating online?
2)My sexual orientation has evolved before (not by choice, obviously), and I'm worried it might change again. I used to consider myself pansexual, but had a strong preference for men, and now I consider myself lesbian/queer and have no interest in men. I'm okay with whatever sexual orientation I might end up with- love is love no matter what- but at the same time I'm scared of it changing again. I don't want to have to come out as a different orientation again. I've already done that once and it was stressful enough then. I shouldn't have to do it twice. Right now I'm very comfortable with what I identify as, but if it could change once I figure it can change again.
Is that something that happens often? I know it's common for sexuality to evolve (it was really more like a rapid change or switch, for whatever reason, it didn't seem to be a slow process), but is it common for it to go back and forth? If so, what do people do about it? I don't want to have to continuously come out to people my whole life!
Yes, sexual orientation can change over time, and yes it can be a big pain to come out as something different than before. It’s hard every time. But for the moment, you don’t need to come out as anything else. If/when it ever happens, you can cross that bridge. And the good news is that since you’ve done it before, you know how to do it again. Might some people be confused or not understanding? Yes… But that’s true more and more as we get older regardless of the issue. There will be many times in your life when you have to stand up for who you are and what you believe and you may be standing there alone, or with just a few folks. But you’ve done it before. And you’ll do it again. And you’ll live through it and be even stronger and be able to tell other queers about it as they grow up behind you.
Now, about meeting other queers. That’s a tall order. Sounds like you’ve tried everything. Guess you’re out of luck.
Kidding! Listen, it sounds like you know what to do, but you’re feeling a little mad that it’s not easy. Your dream girlfriend is not a member of your GSA. So you may need to look outside your GSA. (She might be in a different club at your school, she might go to a nearby high school but work at your local Starbucks. She might be a friend of a girl in your GSA who you haven’t met yet because you haven’t given the non-date-able girls in your GSA a chance yet.) Try to find friends who are Queer-ish in your hometown, but don’t discriminate if they aren’t gay-gay-allthe-way. If they are Queer allies, they probably have other queer friends and you may just wind up meeting the girl of your dreams that way. If not, these friends will also probably love taking the train into the city with you, or going to gay book readings, or seeing some gay bands.
There’s probably more queerness around you than you see.
Im am 99% sure im a lesbian, i have NEVER had any sort of attraction to any guy. But the other day at a party i had sex with a guy. Does this mean im bi? or could it just have happend cos i was really drunk and didnt know what i was doing? I feel sick whenever i think about what i did the other night. Im so confused, not sure if i like girls, guys or both.
Lots of people do things sexually that are outside of their norm. It doesn’t mean you have to change what you call yourself unless you want to.
What concerns me more is that it sounds like you feel some guilt about having sex in the first place. Were you consenting? When you say “didn’t know what I was doing” were you able to speak? Did you say no, or want to say no? Shame, anger, fear and blame are often feelings that come up when sex was unconsensual. If there is a chance you were raped, it’s time to talk it through with someone who can help you in real time. Please call 800-656-HOPE (A 24 hour Crisis hotline) or visit RAIIN.org where there is an online crisis “hotline.”
If you were consenting, but feel like you would have made a different decision if you’d been sober, then that’s something to pay attention to. Alcohol impairs judgement in the moment and often increases anxiety and depressive feelings the next day. What are some things you can do in the future to help a similar situation go differently? There is nothing wrong with having sex with any gendered person of consenting age, I want to make that clear. The big concern in this situation is that you had sex that made you feel badly after it was over. If drinking was the issue, what are some things you can do to get some support? What are some ways you could drink more responsibly? Some people plan to and have water every other drink. Some make sure to eat throughout the night. You may want to find a drug/alcohol counselor to help you think about ways to drink that wont put you at risk for harming yourself. I’m not saying quit drinking and go to AA, though that is certainly an option if you feel that is right for you. I just think that maybe you could use some help from someone who is an expert on helping people make sure their drinking is safe. To find one, do a google search for “alcohol substance abuse counselor” and your state name.
Lastly, if you two didn’t use a condom, you may want to find a nearby Planned Parenthood. PP is a good resource for anyone who needs regular sexual health care, and they can help you with being tested for Sexually Transmitted Infections and pregnancy.
i've been thinking a lot about my sexuality lately, and i think i'm bisexual. i've told a few people that i am, but i'm still not 100%. it's just tough to know for sure because my feelings change every day. some days i only look at men, some days i only look at women. is that normal for a bisexual, or should i just give it more time?
I'm attracted to both men and women. I have been dating my boyfriend for a year and five months now and I have a question: Is it normal to want other women when you're in a committed relationship? I mean, I know it's normal on some extent since I'm attracted to both genders, but sometimes I have these urges to just kiss a girl or makeout or etc. with a girl. I don't get it. My boyfriend understands and even gave me the choice to act on these urges with a close friend of mine - whom I kissed once, but I didn't do anything more with her - it doesn't feel right. I'm annoyed because I love my boyfriend and I don't want to break up with him at all, but how do I try to pull these sexual feelings away for girls so it's not such a problem? I realize that I can't get rid of my attraction to girls and I don't want to, but I need to know if there's something I can do to just maybe... not get to annoyed? Lol. I probably sound like a babbling fool to you, I'm sorry. =P
There is a lot to sort through here. I’m hearing that you want to stop having feelings for girls because it might have an impact on your relationship… Even though it doesn’t really seem to be having an impact on your relationship. Your boyfriend said he is ok with you making out with girls. You actually haven’t been making out with girls, either, you kissed a friend once and didn’t let it go further. So what I’m hearing from you is some pretty intense guilt over the fact that you are having feelings for girls when you are in a relationship. Maybe even some guilt or shame around having feelings for girls at all. It’s ok to have all kinds of feelings when a person is grappling with their sexual orientation and how it affects the relationships around them. Just know that it’s normal to feel confused, worried, upset, anxious and excited when a person is recognizing how much they feel like being intimate with the same sex. Many of these feelings are part of the proces and wont last forever. OK… two things.
1) Many people have open relationships. This can get really complicated, though, as you are finding out. Feelings can get hurt and it can get really messy. Check out the Ethical Slut book. This book goes through all the different ways a couple can navigate the waters of an open relationship, including tips on communication, dealing with guilt and negotiating relationships with others.
2) You are having some internal conflict around being bisexual and are worried about how it’s affecting your life. This is a tough time, and you might want to reach out for some support, especially to address any guilt or shame which may be coming up. Find a queer/queer friendly therapist though, to make sure you’re working with someone who will understand the situation. For more tips on finding a Gay friendly therapist click here. Otherwise, if you don’t go the therapy route, look into bi-sexual support groups, or events. Reach out to any gay friends you may have for support and to give you a sense of not being alone.
i'm feeling really confused at the moment. im 16 and i've never had crushes on guys before or found them particularly attractive. i can sometimes see a guy and thing "wow he's hot" but i don't want to have sex with him or anything. i've only kissed one guy before but i didn't want to go any further or even go out with him. i've had "crushes" on girls before but i'm not even sure if crush is the right word. more like obsession. but i don't think i'd like to have "sex" with girls either. am i gay?
No one can answer this for you… It’s a process you’ll need to go through in order to know… Check out this link from my FAQ page about coming out which may help.
I'm a girl and I like girls but I've never felt sexual attraction towards any girls, just strong emotional attraction. I know I have a sex drive but is it possible that it could be for no one in particular, even people I really like? I'm confused about my feelings. Advice would be great :)
There is no RIGHT way to be when it comes to orientation. It may be that you just aren’t ready to be sexual with anybody. Which is totally fine! Keep being true to yourself and your feelings. If/when the time is right to be sexual, you will know.
How can one get over the feeling of lonelyness? I feel like I'm never gonna meet a girl perfect for me. I see all these amazing girls all over tumblr and it just makes my heart hurt.
Loneliness is such a difficult feeling. And having a girlfriend doesn’t take that feeling away.
There are lots of things to do but it might be good to start with a good long brain drain exercise. Sit down with a notebook and pens and write down everything you can think of about loneliness and what it’s meant for you in your life. When was the first time you felt lonely in your life? Write ALL about that experience and the other feelings and thoughts you had at that time. Take a long afternoon to write about the sadness, lonelyness and pain. Cry if you need to. Take more time if you need it. When you are done sit with yourself. Notice how you feel in this moment. Take a few minutes to be quiet and sit quietly and reflect. Breathe deeply. If you are a praying kind of person, say a prayer for strength or wisdom or acceptance of yourself.
Now take out another piece of paper and write a letter to yourself. “Dear ______” Fill it with comfort. Fill it with wisdom and comfort. Fill it with everything you would say to a young child who was feeling lonely and maybe feeling badly about herself because of it. Be gentle and tell that person that she is loveable and amazing whether others know it, see it or tell her (or not).
Do this exercise whenever the loneliness feels overwhelming. If it feels like too much to take on alone, think about getting a therapist or counselor who could walk you through this kind of process in a supported way.
ok so I was dating this girl megan who i loved but she was 16 im 18. her mom hated me. and we were fighting alot. I'm now dating candice who is 25 wants to settle down which is what i want. I love them both. Megan and i have kept in touch and she still loves me and cant get over me. I do love her too very much she was the first girl i told i love you too. But i love candice as well. Megan wants me to choose between the two. I miss how me and megan used to be but i feel like i need to give candice a chance what do i do?
This is hard.
Think about what made you and Megan split up in the first place. Has any of that changed? Is it possible that you are thinking about going back to Megan because of guilt or because it’s hard to hurt someone’s feelings?
If you are truly honest with yourself, what do you want? Toward the beginning of your question, you said you wanted to be with Candice. If you truly want to move forward and settle down with Candace, Is having continued contact with Megan helping your relationship with her or making it more complicated?
I hear a lot in your question that sounds like obligation. You feel like since Megan was so special to you being the first girl you loved, maybe you should try again. You feel like you “need to give Candace a chance.”
Dating is hard because people get their feelings hurt and their hearts broken, but it becomes harder when we stay involved with others because we are trying to avoid hurting them. The pain and the love are both part of relationships, and avoiding the painful part actually makes it harder and more painful.
Of course you have your own feelings and pain and sadness over it not working out with Megan. But if the reasons it didn’t work out aren’t fixed, then maybe staying in contact is prolonging the pain for both of you. Taking some time away from each other so that you can grieve might actually hurt more in the short run for both of you, but help you make clearer decisions about your next relationships in the long run.
hi. my girlfriend and i have been together for four months.. actually today marks four months (: i am her first girlfriend and its going great... but las tnight she started postin things about being genderqueer,,, when i asked her today she was like dont worry bout it which then made me really worry so i continued to ask her if she was genderqueer and she jsut kinda snapped and said idk and just leave me alone to think....... im still not sure exactly what gender queer is and i dont know how to help her.. or like lead her to the answer she is looking for... can you help ):
It can be really hard to be close with someone as they are in a transition from one type of self-identification to another. Let’s start with your question about “genderqueer.”
"Genderqueer", in addition to being an umbrella term, has been used as an adjective to refer to any people who transgress distinctions of gender, regardless of their self-defined gender identity, i.e. those who "queer" gender, expressing it non-normatively.Androgynous is frequently used as a descriptive term for people in this category, though genderqueer people may express a combination of masculinity and femininity, or neither, in their gender expression and not all identify as androgynes. However, the term has been applied by those describing what they see as a gender ambiguity. From Wikipedia
I can imagine that if you began dating and you thought of your partner as a “girl” then you might be really confused and maybe even scared by her changing her identity from “girl” to “genderqueer.” This may make you worry that the relationship is on rocky ground, or that the two of you might not be able to be together anymore. It can often be really scary when our partners stop talking and start to look inward for answers. The truth is, that your partner is doing just that… she’s looking inward. She’s trying out the term “genderqueer” because right now, it’s making more sense to her than “girl” or “woman” or “lady.”
It sounds like you want to be supportive and help her find the answer she’s looking for. It’s great to be supportive of our partners, but one of the hardest things we deal with, when we love another person, is that we cant always be part of their process.
2) Don’t judge yourself for your feelings. The longer you fight what your feeling the longer it takes to heal and actually work on things.
3) Don’t try and change your partner, if you need time take it, but this is who they are and you need to either try and accept that or move on.
4) Seek help. You are not in this alone, this is hard enough with support don’t try and do it without it. Try and find support groups or a therapist to talk to.
5) Talk to other people besides your partner about what is going on. It’s hard to be honest and work through things when you’re always scared to upset your partner, so talk to someone else, even another trans or genderqueer person.
6) Suggest seeing a therapist together. Often this isn’t possible but it’s the best way to really work through things honestly and respectfully. Remember to find someone who is either in the queer community or knowledgeable about trans issues.
I had asked a question on here, well over a month ago, maybe even two, and it still hasn't been answered :(
Thanks for your patience and for letting me know. I’ve got an inbox which currently has 65 questions in it…So it’s understandably taking me awhile to read and respond to them all… I’ll be sorting through them today as best I can. I’ve updated and added some links on the FAQ page, so check out the links and see if any of those might help out your particular situation.
Heyaaa. So I have a fast developing crush on a bi girl. She said she couldn't picture herself dating a girl, but after she got drunk and kissed me, she's not completely sure. Do you think I should sort of try to slowly get into the dating pool with her, or just leave her as a drunken bi?
It sounds like you’re a little worried that if you get close to her you’ll get your heart broken. You understand that if she is giving you mixed messages, then isn’t clear about her feelings. But you are clear about yours, and you’d be taking a risk. It’s really up to you how you proceed. This could go a few different directions, right?
1) You could go on a date, hang out without drinking and go slowly… Tell her that you like her and are putting your feelings out there so you really want her to tell you if something feels wrong for her about being romantic with you. This leaves you open to romance with her…
2) You could tell her that while you like her, you are worried about getting involved if she doesn’t really know if she could date a girl or not. Mixed messages DO indicate mixed feelings, and no one would blame you for wanting to be with someone who is sure she wants to date girls (and date YOU), rather than one who is in the process of figuring it out. You could take a little time and space apart and see if making that space leaves room for any other dating prospects to enter your life… It’s true that if people think you’re already smitten with someone else, they may not approach you until you’ve become available.
3) You could just wait and see and continue the friendship as is. I’ll throw this one back to you. What are the pros and cons of this?
I’m sure there are even more ways it could go, but these are a few of the big ones… Stay checked in with your feelings and go slowly. Stay true to your instincts.
how do you get over a break up? when do you know to date again and not feel burdened by the last relationship?
This is such an important question. Breaking up is hard no matter what, even if you know 99.9% that it’s the right thing for you… When you and your heart become intertwined with another person it take awhile to untangle and it’s normal to feel some emotional pain. The feelings wont last forever, though. Some people find it helpful to take a few months apart from the ex to allow for some emotional healing and distance because contact when you’re trying to move on actually prolongs the process (even if it feels good short term…) Here’s more.
Be gentle with yourself. Spend time with good supportive friends. Give yourself permission to be sad, angry, frustrated and irritable, along with relieved and happy. Only you will know when it feels like a good time to start dating someone else. But if you think it’s the right time, ask yourself a few questions: Are you still having some big feelings about the ex? Does hanging out with someone else feel like an escape from those feelings? Be honest with yourself about how you feel like your relationship with your ex will color any new dating experiences. Are you likely to punish the new girl for the old relationship? If you feel like the old relationship is still too much of a character in your dating life, you may need more time and maybe want to try some new strategies for working through the post breakup feelings. Would a therapist or school counselor help? What about taking up a meditation class? Try something new that will excite you or change your perspective on things that doesn’t involve dating someone new. If you can have some new insight about the old relationship and feel like it’s been pretty much resolved, you are much less likely to repeat the same pattern in future relationships.
This guest blog comes from Lisa Nicole Belle, a high achieving woman who started Inspired Girls International. I asked her what she thinks is important to young folks and she’s delivered. Check it out and then write ati to share your thoughts. Do you agree? Disagree? What are your thoughts…
I need help getting thoughts of suicide out of my head. But I can't cause I'm always alone with those thoughts.
You are not alone. It’s a good thing that you’ve decided to reach out for some help. It’s time to open up to another person in real time. Reach out to a responsible adult in your life, a therapist, school counselor or teacher, or someone who you know will respond in a thoughtful but serious way. If you don’t feel that anyone you know will respond seriously enough, call 866-488-7386, The Trevor Project to talk it through. This phone line can be used even if you are not feeling suicidal… You can call if you are lonely, or blue, or just need someone objective to listen and support you.
Here is some more information about suicidal warning signs and how to help a suicidal friend, also from the Trevor Project:
Increased Isolation – From family and friends
Alcohol or Drug Use Increases
Expression of negative attitude toward self
Expression of hopelessness or helplessness
Change in Regular Behavior
Loss of interest in usual activities
Giving away valued possessions
Expression of a lack of future orientation (i.e. “It won’t matter soon anyway”)
Expressing Suicidal Feelings
Signs of Depression
Describes a Specific Plan for Suicide
History of Suicide in the Family
A person who has been extremely depressed in the past may be at an increased risk for suicide if the depression begins to cease, as they may now have the psychological energy to follow through on a suicidal ideation.
If you or someone you care about displays any of these warning signs, please do not hesitate to call The Trevor Lifeline at: 866-4-U-TREVOR (866-488-7386) to speak with a trained volunteer counselor.
How to help: Listen, connect the person with a responsible adult, take the person seriously, call the Trevor Project hotline number.