I've been dating my girlfriend for two years. I haven't been as interested in sex lately, I still love her and find her attractive but I'm just not so into it. She is still in the honeymoon stages of sex in a relationship. How do I overcome my case of lesbian bed death and get our sex life back?
Soooo the dreaded Lesbian Bed Death. First off, I’d like to dispel the myth that this is a lesbian problem. It’s not, it happens to straight folks too. The reality is that sex in long-term relationships takes work and effort, and does not stay spontaneous and effortless for anyone throughout the life of the relationship. There’s also nothing wrong with you just because you’re feeling less interested and your partner is still hot for you all the time. Most couples have differences between partners in their sexual desire or appetite. This can also flip-flop over time, depending on what’s going on in the life of each person individually.
This is a hard question to help you with because I don’t know you two, and what other dynamics are going on in the relationship, but I can give you some general thoughts. First off, make sure you rule out any physical health or hormonal issues going on with you that may be affecting your sex drive. Many medications, stress, lack of sleep, and other things can have a major impact. I can also recommend the book Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel. It’s not queer-specific but it’s inclusive and very informative. The general premise is that too much “togetherness” kills eroticism. If you are too merged with your partner you stop seeing them as “other” you lose the ability to be curious about them and excited by them.
I also really recommend going to couple’s therapy. There are therapists who specialize in sex therapy, but even someone who doesn’t will be able to help you with sex. It’s all part of the big picture of your relationship, it’s not a stand-alone issue. By learning what’s going on with your sex life, you are bound to find out other important things about your relationship which will only make you closer.
i know its really bad to fake orgasms, but ive never had one. i know faking it isnt going to help my partner learn to give me one, but the problem is i have already been faking for a while. how do i stop? i dont want to TELL her ive been faking, but i also dont think i can just stop faking it, or she will be confused why ive stopped orgasming (she thinks) all of a sudden. what do i do?!
First of all, you are in good company with this problem, so try not to feel too freaked out or alone, and take some pressure off yourself. It seems to me that there are really two separate issues here. One is your personal sexual gratification; your ability and desire to have an orgasm. The other is a communication and trust issue with your girlfriend. They are obviously very connected, but I think it will help to tackle one at a time. I would say yes, it’s bad to fake an orgasm because you are depriving yourself and your partner of a wonderful experience. And also women do it all the time. But let’s try to reverse that trend!
If you don’t tell your gf what’s really true, you will miss the opportunity to have a new level of intimacy and connection with her. I know this is scary, because you’re going to have to admit that you’ve been “lying” to some degree all along. However you owe it to yourself and to her to come clean, and have the conversation. Before you do, take some time to think about what you want to say, and what feels hard and scary about this topic. Maybe journal about it or talk it through with a friend if that’s an option. Tell her that you’ve been faking it, and why. Speak about your feelings and experience as much as possible, so she can understand you better. This will make is easier for her to empathize with you. Once this conversation is out in the open, you can move the focus to yourself, and actually working on having this much sought-after orgasm. This can involve your girlfriend to whatever degree is most comfortable for you. Experiment with getting to know your body and what you like. When you know these things about yourself, it will be easier to communicate them with her. Try to relax and enjoy yourself, and take the pressure off. This is sex after all, it’s supposed to be pleasurable. Talking about sex is embarrassing and hard, but it is worth pushing yourself out of your comfort zone because it will improve your relationship in many ways, not just in bed.