How the holidays treating ya?
Ok, now to the point: I have huge crushes on girls. I have had a non-sexual, intimate moment with this girl I had something I'd say was more than a crush on. The thing is that I'm pretty keen I might be bisexual but I don't want to label myself until I am sure I can go all the way with a girl. The thought seems interesting but I'm holding it off until I meet someone I truly care for.
The additional twist is that I'm far away from home. I'm not really used to the culture here and it seems most of the people in the queer community here are white so I've been a little apprehensive of joining the community. Apart from the cultural barrier, I've met a couple of girls I liked here, but it seems after a while they start ignoring me. I dress somewhat masculine so I understand if they are scared I might want to ask them out, but I've heard of the same problem with black guys so I'm scared it might be racism.
Then, there's this cute (East?) Indian girl I have a very long lasting crush on. Whenever we walk past each other we smile but I'm usually too nervous to know if I smile back or not. I would like to approach her. I suspect she might be gay but I don't want to just walk up to her like that. I like the way she acts and wouldn't mind just being her friend but I don't know what to do. It's usually easy for me to walk up to people and start chatting but I don't want her to feel I like her just because of her looks or because I think she’s gay. I'm also tired of let downs so...
Hey Taz, Thanks for writing. The holidays have been great, but slowed down my response time, so I’m sorry it’s taken so long to respond to your question…
Dating is often a series of letdowns. Just think of how many people you will date, have crushes on, or chat with before you meet someone you’ll want to introduce to your favorite aunt, or go on a month long backpacking trip with, or have a baby with. There will be lots of great moments with girls and/or guys in your dating life. There will be lots of weird moments. Lots of funny moments. Some sad and some infuriating. Some where you feel like a chump. Some where you cant believe you dated that chump. Right now, you’re doing a lot of thinking, re-thinking and over-thinking to avoid letdowns, but the truth is that dating involves letdowns. It also involves really hot, fun, funny, sexy, fantastic times. If you want to take a break from putting yourself out there, that’s a totally respectable position to take.. Lots of people take a break from dating because it’s time and energy consuming, and can be tough on the heart. So always take a break if your heart needs a break. But take a risk if your heart needs that risk. As far as the girl goes, you could approach her and risk her thinking xyz about you. Or you could not approach her at all. But no matter what you do, people (you date, or people in the community) will be thinking xyz, or abc, or rst about you. So do you let your ideas about other people’s thoughts keep you from living the best life you can? No way. Live your life in a way that is true to your heart and your mind and your own personal view of the world.
Yes. People will judge. Yes, people will be rude, or hate, or try to tear others down. But your life and your choices are your own. So hold your head up high and live it in a way you can feel good about.
As far as meeting a diverse group of queer women/girls that can be tricky. In San Francisco, there really are different crowds that hang out together based on demographics. It might take awhile for you to find a group that feels like a good fit, not just because of culture, but also interests. Keep trying and don’t underestimate the power of research. Just googling “queer women of color san francisco” brought up the Queer Women of Color Media Arts Project with lots of programs to get involved in and ways to support Queer Women of Color who produce films. There are many different types of groups and social events for queers of all walks of life, ethnicities, interests and ages, so don’t think you have to find your next love or bff in the club scene. Trying new things can be risky, but maybe you’re ready for that kind of risk.
Ok. I am a lesbian who is very femme and very artsy. Well, I am back in my hometown visiting my family from college. There is this girl, lets call her jamie, who I have known since high school who never really interested me then. I always knew she wanted me but I never really gave her the time of day because I was dealing with self acceptance. My first girlfriend ( and only gf) was in high school and I was so in love with her that after we broke up I was so confused with myself that I started dating guys so Jamie wasnt really an option for me then. I graduated High school and Jamie stayed in highschool because she is a year younger. Well, after my whole delima with acceptance I came to terms with my sexuality and made a promise to never ever date or get close to another girl, and even though I am fine with being gay I dont agree with relationships or marriage or whatever. I am young and should have options and not get held down. Now the problem is when I got back in town Jamie contacted me. My only intention, as bad as it sounds, was to sleep with her and then leave because well thats just how I am. Well Jamie and I have hung out and I still get the vibe she wants me. Problem is she has changed and well is like me in so many ways. I find that hard to find because like I said I'm weird in an artsy way and very femme. Now I feel like I am falling for her. You see she knows I dont date, that I dont do relationships and understands my carefree attitude. I think it was a disappointed for her but thats has not completely changed the way she still flirts and acts around me. Ok my problem is in her I see a capability that we could be really good friends. Like I said she is into everything i am into, same music, art, photography, fashion, everything. But I still am attracted to her, in the way that I want to sleep with her. Yet that attraction can easily be turned into just friends and to be honest I really need a friend right now since I dont really have lesbian friends. she caught me off guard. I was not suppose to like her this way. I feel like if I sleep with her I will like her too much and then the friendship will never have a chance. Should I attempt the friendship or sleep with her? I am leaving out of state for college anyway in a couple of days so it doesn't really matter but then..you know I have the run away sensation of dont contact her for a long period of time like danger danger stay away youll get to close..but man I'm into her so much. see my delima? What should I do?
Sometimes when we feel confused it’s good to wait before we take action. Take a long walk. Clear your head. Write in a journal about it. Sleep on it. Read the journal entry over the next day. Try not to do anything that could potentially change the relationship (like sex) and wait until the next holiday break to see if your feelings toward her are more clear.
It sounds like you are pretty commitment-phobic right now because, quite honestly, romantic relationships can be scary. Intimacy can be really rough. Often, when people find themselves in that place in life, it’s really helpful to focus on building up a supportive friend network. Friendships can be incredibly intimate without being “sexual” and can make leaping into something romantic feel less scary, because you feel that if the relationship doesn’t work out, you’ll still have support.