Tell her you support her, and love her unconditionally, whether she wants to transition or not. Ask her what she might want as far as support from you. Does she want to go to trans events together while she’s exploring her gender identity? Does she want to be able to talk it out with you?
Make sure that while you are offering support for her, you are finding ways to increase support for yourself, too. Hang out with friends you can talk to, maybe find a therapist or website, or a support group for people with genderqueer/ transitioning partners. When one person in a relationship goes through a big internal (or external change) it can cause ripples for both folks. Try to keep up the communication, and the self-care, and the expressions of love and support. It may or may not be a rough road. Some folks find themselves wanting to be another gender, but they don’t want or need to transition with surgery, or testosterone or a name change, at all. There are all kinds of lesbians and genderqueer and transfolks, who express themselves in different ways.
Since this is all part of your Love’s process, he or she will know best what he or she needs. If you are ever in doubt, ask.
There is a lot of good information about gender identity coming out of New York’s Gender Identity Project. Here’s a video to get you started…
Transgender Basics is a 20 minute educational film on the concepts of gender and transgender people.
Two providers from the Gender Identity Project discuss basic concepts of gender - sex, identity and gender roles - as three transgender community members share their personal experiences of being trans and genderqueer.
The film targets service providers and others working with the LGBT community, but it also provides a fascinating glimpse into gender and identity for the general public.
Here’s the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UXI9w0PbBXY
And here is a glossary of terms which you may find useful. Originally posted on GLAAD’s website: http://www.gaycenter.org/gip/transbasics/glossary