do u feel like its not cool to be a chunky/bbw/heavy girl n lesbian? or is that not cool. is it like gay fat or whatev? n what is gay fat? soz 4 so many questions.
Let’s start with gayfat…“Gay fat” is a term used within the gay community to say that someone’s body would be hot in the straight world, but that they would need to be skinnier/leaner/more toned to get noticed as “hot” in the gay world. This is mostly a gay boy term, because the gay boy culture, in general/in gay boy media, is made up of lots of toned/skinny/buff guys who work out A LOT or try to stay really thin. “Gay fat” could be used in a mean/describing way like this… “Oh his face is cute. Not too bad of a body. He’s not “fat” he’s just a bit “gayfat.”
I don’t think the standard for lesbian girls works the same way. Are there some lesbian “mean girls” in the lesbian world who think everyone should look like skinny models in order to be valuable (datable/friendable) people? Yes, sadly. But them? We’ll ignore them.
Most of the girls who like girls are amazing and cool and don’t buy into media messages that say that skinny is the only way to be sexy.
They know that gorgeous people are many different shapes and sizes. They also know that style and intelligence and a sense of humor are really hot.
They care about how a girl carries herself and if she knows how unique and amazing she is. You can be any size in the lesbian world and be hot and interesting and fun and an incredible person who people appreciate. Sometimes it’s hard to remember that though, when we are constantly getting messages from the media about how female bodies should be skinny/tiny. But the truth is, that your lesbian friends or girlfriends will be around you because of who you are, not your weight.
I’m pretty sure I’m never going to find a girlfriend. I want one. Bad. I flirt with girls online and I think about what it’d be like to have the perfect girl but
I date girls here and there but then they break up with me pretty quickly because I’m “too intense”
I’m not like “magazine-cute” or “Shane” cute.
Please help. I don’t want to die an ugly old lesbian cat lady.
Dear Moi, (Vous?)
I want you to make a list of all the ways you imagine your dream girl treating you. Imagine it. How does she act? Does she bake you cookies? Write you poems? Cuddle you? Does she tell you how lovely you are, even if you don’t believe it? Do you feel loved by her and supported by her most of the time?
Now take that list and next to each item write how you are going to do that thing for yourself. And then do one thing from that list every day for a month.
You want to have companionship. You want to be close to someone as amazing and special as the day is long. Great news. You already are close to someone as amazing and special as the day is long. It’s your fantastic self.
You’ve got to treat yourself the way you want to be treated by others. The girlfriend will come later, once you have shown yourself and the world how much you deserve aome amazing treatment. And your looks are not an issue right now, because girls are showing interest enough to date you aren’t they?
There are so many beautiful things about you, Moi, the trouble is that you don’t believe it. Here are some ways to increase the self-love…
Pay attention to how you talk to yourself.
If you notice that you are constantly calling yourself fat, ugly, stupid or any other terrible thing, work on changing that. Compliment yourself instead, as often as you can. This is a hard mental habit to change, but keep at it. You deserve that kindness, girl.
You’re worth it. Make a delicious dinner for yourself. Take deep breaths. Get a massage. Take a roadtrip to a lake or beach or body of water. (<——helps relaxation).
Be imperfect. It’s ok to make mistakes as long as we become aware of them and learn from them. Give yourself permission to be human like everyone else.
Make some goals you know you can reach and reward yourself for meeting them.
Ask your friends and family for some positive feedback about yourself. Write it all down. Keep a running list of compliments that you get from people and look it over every day.
Write down positive things about yourself: “I’m a good friend, I’m funny, I’m a great photographer…”
Fall in love with a new hobby, or throw your romantic energy into getting better at something you already love doing.
See a therapist/counselor: Talking about it helps.
Every time you think about how great a girlfriend could make you feel, turn to this list and try something from it. The more lovely and rich you feel your life is, the more another girl will feel that way about you. When being inside your life feels good to YOU, it will also feel good to a girlfriend.
1) You introduced the girl you’ve been dating to your best friend and she
a) Asked for your best friend’s phone number
b) Confessed to your friend that she’d already memorized your license plate number and the lyrics to your favorite song and…
c) Only looked at her own shoes
d) Was totally friendly and cracked a couple of jokes.
2) When she texts you for a late night cuddle date you feel:
a) Like you’ll regret it in the morning if you go, because you’ll want to stay all morning and make breakfast with her, but she’ll be texting someone else by then…
b) Like saying no. She’ll ask again tomorrow night. She does every night.
c) Shocked. She’s never texted you before. You know…she’d really busy with work and classes and tries to get to bed early every night…
d) Like going over asap to cuddle and then some.
3) When you hang out she:
a) Checks out everyone else.
b) Wines and dines you every time. Talks about all your hilarious/brilliant facebook status updates.
c) Talks only about herself.
d) Trades off appropriately-she takes turns paying, talking and giving and getting attention.
4) When you talk about politics she says:
a) “Politics? Are you talking about gay marriage, cuz I don’t want to get married.”
b) “You are soooo right about that.”
c) “Listen, it’s getting late.”
d) “Hmm. Tell me why you think that?”
5) The last thing you bought her was:
a) her rent last month
b) She wont let you pay for anything. Ever. So nothing.
c) Takeout dinner and a rental movie. Because she doesn’t ever want to go out.
d) A funny gift based on an inside joke you have.
6) Since you’ve met you’ve spent most of your time together
a) Making out
b) Making excuses about why you don’t call/text more often
c) Catching up-since it’s always been so long since the last time you hung out.
d) A good mix of making out, laughing, talking and connecting.
7) When you ask yourself if this is “The One” you
a) Get goosebumps but don’t know if it’s because you’re scared at the idea or completely excited about it.
b) Wonder if you’ll get sick of your favorite candy because she’s going to bring it to you every day for the rest of your life.
c) Are thankful for your friends and family who give you loads of love and affection—since you wont be getting any from “the one.”
d) Feel some hope and some curiosity and maybe some caution. Who knows? But you aren’t too scared about finding out. Only time will tell.
You and your lady might have lots of chemistry, and you love spending time with her, but sometimes you also hate how you feel when you are with her. Maybe because she’s not showing you any clear messages about wanting to be exclusive with you at all. Even if she SAYS she wants to be serious with only you, she isn’t showing it—and that equals mixed messages. And you know what they say about mixed messages….Mixed messages mean mixed feelings. And it sounds like your feelings are pretty mixed, too. She might not be “The One.”
She is so all about you that she texts you a thousand times a day and has memorized all the names of your elementary school teachers and childhood soccer teammates. It’s flattering, and you might like the attention, but you also could be beginning to feel stifled. This relationship is all about you, and it’s uncomfortable because relationships need balance between both people. Try talking to her about your feelings and telling her what would feel more balanced to you. She may take it well. She may not. If she doesn’t, she may not be “the one.”
This girl couldn’t be the 1, because she’s only a .5 girlfriend. She is barely putting in any effort and has a million reasons why. She is stressed at work, school, with family… Sure, we all have our stressful moments, but not all the time. If you are sure this is a temporary situation, talk to her about your feelings and your hopes. Get clear with yourself about how long you’ll be willing to take a backseat to her stress and troubles. One month? Six? One year? To infinity and beyond? Maybe this type of balance works for you and doesn’t bother you at all. But if you do feel troubled and want it to change, communicate that, and get a timeline in your head. Check in with yourself at the end of your timeline, and be honest. Has there been real change or just shifting priorities around. Are you waiting for a whole cake (relationship) and surviving on crumbs? You don’t have to if you don’t want to. There may be a whole cake being baked up for you with someone else, who could be an even better “the one” for you…
Congratulations. Even if she is not “The One,” she is a Great One. She is respectful, balanced and interested in you—and all of these are fantastic ingredients for a long lasting love—especially if you are also respectful, balanced and interested in her. Be honest about your feelings and respectful of hers and if the chemistry is there, you both have a good chance for a hot and healthy romance.
I just talked with a friend who took a safe sex class. I thought lesbians couldn’t really get STD’s! Dental dams are weird. Do girls really need to use dental dams with other girls to avoid getting infections?
Grossed Out of the Closet
Hey Grossed Out of the Closet,
STD’s, STI’s (Sexually Transmitted “diseases” and “infections”) can be contracted and transmitted by queer girls, lesbians, and bi-sexual girls. HIV/AIDS can also be transmitted, by lesbians. Dental dams are just one way to protect yourself. There are no 100% full-proof methods for prevention of infection if you are sexually active, though, so lets go through the options for “Safer-Sex.”
The key is to keep body fluid from her body (or yours) from entering the other person’s body. These fluids are menstrual blood, vaginal fluid, breast milk & semen.
There are LOWER risk activities which include using sex toys with condoms, kissing, body rubbing, and vaginal or anal contact while wearing a latex glove. Oral sex with a barrier like a dental dam would fall into this category.
Risky activities include oral sex without barriers, anal or vaginal sex without gloves or condoms, and sharing sex toys without condoms.
If you are having sex with anyone, it’s important to know the risks you are taking. More information about STI’s which can be transmitted from girl to girl is available here. Read up.
Get tested regularly and if you find that you have an infection of some kind, ask lots of questions. Many can be treated and cured. Some can not. If you come down with an STI, be responsible, and follow the Dr.’s orders about sex.
Refrain from having sex while you are recovering, or use safe sex methods recommended by your doctor for this recovery time.