Letting go of a bad relationship can be complicated. That’s because the end of a relationship is like experiencing a death, of sorts. Even if you are the one that initiated the breakup and believe that the breakup is the best thing for all involved, letting go of a relationship follows the same process as mourning a death.
Letting go of a bad relationship can be complicated. That’s because the end of a relationship is like experiencing a death, of sorts. Even if you are the one that initiated the breakup and believe that the breakup is the best thing for all involved, letting go of a relationship follows the same process as mourning a death.
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, MD, in her groundbreaking book OnDeath and Dying(1969), outlined the phases of grievingexperienced when one learns that they are dying. Her stages have since been aptly used to describe the process of grieving the death of a loved one. A similar thing happens when grieving the end of a relationship. The following are Dr. Kubler-Ross’ stages of grieving applied to a breakup. (The pronouns he and she can be used interchangeably.)
In this phase our heart rather than our head rules our belief system as we try to adjust to the idea of life without the person we’re losing. Even though we know the relationship is over, we really don’t believe it. Against the better judgment of everyone around us, we can’t help but entertain fantasies of things somehow working out. We see hidden glimmers of hope buried in clear indications that it’s over. Yes, this is the phase where we are most susceptible to late night texting.
Anger can manifest in many different ways – anger at your ex (“How could he do this to me? Why can’t she stop being selfish?”), anger at God or the universe (“Why can’t anything ever work out for me? Why am I cursed?”), anger at people or situations associated with the break-up (anger at the other woman; anger that your partner lost her job, because that is when she “changed”), and anger at other people who don’t agree or stand with your anger (“Can you believe George and Jane still want to be friends with him after what he did to me?”). This is the phase where we think it’s a great idea to tell anyone and everyone what a psycho-crazy vixen our ex was. This is also when we think it’s crucial to send our ex hateful emails because we don’t want him thinking he got away with anything.
Bargaining often goes hand in hand with denial. Bargaining can be looking for any possible way to make the relationship work through negotiation, threats, and/or magic – for example, telling your ex that you will change, or move or go to therapy, or telling him he is hurting the children, his family, your family, and the dog by leaving. And, of course, this phase is not only limited to bargaining with your ex. Many people bargain with The Powers That Be, promising to be a better person if only the ex will come back. During this stage, you may take a new interest in astrology, tarot cards or any type of voodoo that will forecast a reunion. This is also when we attempt to enlist all friends and family to “talk some sense” into him.
Depression, like anger, also surfaces in many different forms, for example feeling tired all the time, not wanting to do anything but lay in bed, feeling disconnected from people even when you’re with them, being on the verge of tears most of the time, trouble sleeping or sleeping too much, loss of appetite or overeating, increase in drug or alcohol use and (the big one) hopelessness. Hopelessness is the most pervasive and debilitating, It is the thing that leads us to believe that nothing will ever be or feel different than it is right now. Hopelessness makes it feel like you will never move on and that nothing will ever work out for you in the future.
Finally, this is the phase in which we are able to make peace with the loss. It doesn’t always come on suddenly; it often happens gradually, little bit by little bit, interspersed with some of the other phases. Acceptance doesn’t always involve harmony and flowers – there is almost certain to be lingering sadness. Acceptance entails making peace with the loss, letting go of the relationship and slowly moving forward with your life. Sometimes it feels like this phase will never come, which usually means you’re still struggling in an earlier phase.
Knowing your phases of grief can help normalize your break-up experience. It’s also important to know that there are no time limits and no rushing the process. Grieving is like digestion: there is nothing you can do to hurry it along. It takes time and the only thing you can do is try to get through it. But take heart in the fact that this, like everything else, will eventually pass.
I got this question in my ask box and thought I’d put it out to everyone. I think that there are many different answers to this question depending on who you are and how you experience the Queer community. I’d love to have a variety of responses for this QgQ reader from a variety of Queers.
“ok so im a lesbian. but i feel like im limiting myself in a way. genderqueer people and non binary, like its all very interesting but sometimes i feel like the queer culture makes me feel guilty for not expanding my horizons. i know this sounds horrible, but i feel like people who are genderqueer or trans feel like they’re better than lesbians/gays. idk maybe im just reading into it, but we all identify as lgbtq, shouldn’t we just get along?
Hi, I would like to know how you know you are lesbian? I think I am like 99.9% sure I am but I have never been with a girl but i am attracted to them. Do you think I need to be with a girl before I just go and tell people Im lesbian?
If you identify as a lesbian to yourself, then that’s enough. The most important person to be out to is yourself, anyway.
And know this…some people identify under one term for years, and then switch it up to something else, and then maybe switch it again to something else! All of that is ok. Be true to yourself first and foremost and the rest will fall into place. Some people may understand and be supportive and others may feel confused. It’s ok if people don’t understand or feel confused—that goes for you, too. Your feelings and process in understanding yourself is the most important. Do your best to spend time with the folks who allow you to feel safe and supportive no matter how you identify.
I need some advice. I'm a queer cisgendered female and I've been completely in love with a girl for a couple of years and never told her. Freshman year she came out as a lesbian. Neither of us has dated anyone throughout high school. Now it's the end of Junior year and I built up the courage to tell her how I feel and then last night she came out as trans. I don't care and still want to tell her but what do I say? I've never approached a guy or girl so this is completely beyond me. HELP
My question for you is this: What were you going to say before she came out? I’m glad you slowed down to consider if her coming out as trans changed your feelings at all. It sounds like it hasn’t changed your feelings for her… You can still tell her! Do it!
Sometimes it helps to start with: I’ve been wanting to tell you something that has been hard to say (so that the person can understand if/why you appear nervous). And then follow it with something like: I’ve been thinking about our friendship lately and I’ve been wondering if there could ever be something more with us. Our friendship means a lot to me, so I’m open to whatever you have to say about that.
(You can also offer to give some time and space so that she can get clear about her response. But she may be able to respond right away).
These kinds of conversations are often best in person, but if you’re feeling a little too vulnerable for that, then go for a phone call. You may want to stay away from text—there’s too much room for excruciating miscommunication. eek!
SIdenote: If you haven’t asked yet, you may also want to clarify if she wants to continue to go by “she.”
I'm really shy and have no idea how to meet other girls. I've tried the internet but it's sort of creepy and I always get paired up with complete lunatics, I've also tried the bar/club scene which is terrifying because everyone is so unfriendly and uninterested in chit chat. Also I'm from the south and it's REALLY hard to get into the gay community unless you already know someone in it, afraid I'm going to die alone in my apartment one day with millions of cats crawling all over me. Any advice?
It can be really really hard to meet people and make friends in the community, you’re right. And each time you put yourself out there, if it doesn’t go well, it can make it even harder to try again.
I’m going to suggest a totally different strategy for you…
1) Try going to do something interesting to you that isn’t focused on LGBT focused content… A book club, painting class, dance class. Something creative or super interesting to you. People are often most attractive when they are engaging in an activity that lights them up. Do you nerd out about roller skating? Join a roller skating club! You may find other Queers in the group, you may not. But every new friend you make has a handful of friends that could also end up being your friends. Those people you meet, and get closer to, will know the part of you that’s excited about the topic… The part of you that’s engaged and interesting and they will likely become great friends. The more people you know, the better a chance you will end up with a friend who is a Queer girl like you and is interested in similar things.
2) If you really want to build up your confidence in the Queer spaces: Grab some of your straight buddies and bring them with you to Queer events, clubs etc… It may help to have them nearby, helping you chat with other people there. Their presence will also remind you that you are lovely and beautiful and TOTALLY worth knowing even if the Queers at that club in that moment aren’t chatting.
3) It’s really really normal to have all these feelings and fears when you are working on getting your Queer network. So remind yourself when you start to think you will become the CatLady: Feelings aren’t facts. You might feel alone and un-knowable sometimes, but you aren’t. You are valuable and beautiful and an amazing part of this big world. If you exist, then a girlfriend (or 10, or 20 or 30) also exists. The next girlfriend will come along when the time is right. In the meantime, stay close to your loved ones, and bravely enter some other places where you’ll collect more loved ones. The ladies will follow eventually.
This isn't really a question, but I just wanted to say that last night I came out to my best friend that I'm bi, and she took it really well! This blog really helped me with coming out, and everything, so I just wanted to say thanks :)
That’s great news! Thanks so much for letting me know!
Coming out conversations can go a million different ways, which is why they can feel so daunting. You were really brave to tell your best friend, and sometimes that’s the best way to start. As we come out to more and more people, it gets easier.
Many best friends handle the news well and are accepting and supportive. That’s what happened for you! Amazing! When best friends (or others) aren’t supportive, it can be really rough. It can feel like being yourself means that you will be lonely, misunderstood, or targeted. If you ever feel like this when you’ve come out to someone, reach out to people you know will be supportive. If you need to talk with a school counselor, therapist, your schools Gay/Straight Alliance or visit blogs/websites like this, then do it. It can be tough to be true to yourself, and it can feel lonely, but there are people who are there to support you when you need it.
Hii Cat, Well, I've been crushing on this girl for a while but I don't know if she's bi or straight. Sometimes she would have moments where I think she's bi but she had tons of boyfriends in the past. What should I do?
The only way to know is to get to know her. Try hanging out with her, get coffee together or go to the movies as friends, maybe with other friends if that feels more comfortable. Be curious about all of her personality though, not just her orientation. Try to create a genuine friendship. If she is Bi, then it’s not surprising that she’s had boyfriends. If she’s Bi, she may have ONLY had boyfriends. It doesn’t mean she will or wont date a girl next. But if the two of you have a solid friendship, she’ll be more likely to feel safe enough to let you know if she has ever thought about dating a girl, or dating you.
Hi if I was to ask you a question on here how long would it take you to reply to me?
Thanks for your question.
I appreciate hearing from everyone and I wish I could answer every question…and right when I get them. Sometimes it can take weeks or a month to get to a question, and I get so many that I cant answer all of them.
I have made a Frequently Asked Question Page that answers a lot of questions about Coming Out, Dating, Sex and Relationships, and provides some Wellness Resources. A lot of those links are to posts from past questions that may give you the information you’re looking for.
I’ve also asked a few Queer therapists to answer questions/contribute on QgQ…this means that we get to more questions than ever before, but it’s still not all of them.
So check the FAQ page and keep checking back…your specific question may be answered, or one that is similar enough to provide the help and direction you’re looking for.
We all can have “distorted thinking” sometimes. Below is a list of some different ways our thoughts can veer away from reality…
As you read through this list, and identify some ways your thinking may be “distorted” from time to time, think about ways you can bring yourself back. Does it help to check in with a friend about your thoughts? If you constantly think about “worst case scenarios” can you try to balance that out with “best case scenarios” when you catch yourself catastrophizing?
Mind Reading - Unlike having a healthy theory of mind, mind reading is when you make assumptions about what somebody is thinking or feeling despite contrary or lack of supporting evidence. In actuality, you’re possibly delusional or paranoid.
What does ‘queer’ actually mean? I was told it meant eccentric, and now I’m being told it might mean gay but maybe it’s something else and I just don’t know. So yeah, what does Queer mean?
In general, people use this term to mean “not straight,” not heterosexual, not heteronormative. The word used to mean “strange,” and then was used in a negative way to describe people who were thought to be gay. Many activists in the 1990’s decided to to reclaim the word—and began to use it to describe themselves. Read more here.
I have a random question-kisses on the first date? Do or don't? Sometimes I feel its too forward/soon other times I think they'll think the date didnt go well if I don't. Also, kiss on the cheek? Is that too platonic and dorky?
Every date is different just like every girl is different, and it’s great that you can tell that sometimes it seems too forward/too soon. If that’s the feeling, you may want to follow that instinct. In general, though, it’s nice to ask, and a lot of people ask before kissing for the first time. A kiss on the cheek can also be really sweet. Follow your instincts on this one…
Hey Cat, I have a bit of a dilemma. Recently I met this girl I had been crushing on for a bit. We hung out one night&got along. I couldn't really read if she was into me or not though. Anyways, the next day, I posted via twitter that I got a new phone&jokingly wrote, "ask me for my number." She then favourited that post. This made me think maybe she wanted my number. So I sent it to her but haven't heard a THING! (it's been a week) Was this a bad idea? What are your thoughts? I'm freaking out.
Hi! I think it’s GREAT that you sent her your number and it seems like you were actually very brave. Life in general, and dating specifically, is all about putting yourself out there. Sometimes people respond how we want them to, and sometimes they don’t. But if they don’t respond in the way we want them to, it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you…it means that the person/situation isn’t right for you…But you wont ever know unless you ask the question. Or give the number. Or make the move. So nice work.
It’s also really normal to feel vulnerable and unsure after taking a step like that if you aren’t getting the response you want. Just remember that no matter how she responds, YOU are courageous and amazing just for putting yourself out there.
Here’s what’s tricky about social media, email, texting etc… it’s hard to decode. There are sites and forums specifically geared toward decoding texts because they can be confusing. So you are right… her “liking” could have been a request for your number, but it could have just been a “like” that you got a new phone. In general, if a person is ever confused about the meaning of a text, email etc, or if there is potential for feelings to be misinterpreted, then a phone call or in-person convo is better. Just a tip for the future…when it comes to dating/flirting, if you’re ever unclear, try waiting until you see her again to give her your number or ask her to hang out.
Im falling for this girl who is dating someone else long distance, Her smile lights up the entire room, shrn i first saw it is when i started falling for her. Should i just leave the situation alone?
It’s totally normal to have crushes and feelings for people who are involved with someone else. It happens all the time. The question you are asking is about what to DO with the situation.
This is one of those times when the best action is no action. Sometimes it can feel like having a crush means we have to BE with that person. But it’s ok to have feelings for someone and not ever do anything about it, especially under circumstances like these.
I often advocate taking actions when we have crushy feelings because if we don’t put ourselves out there, we will have fewer chances to love, and to be loved. But in this case, I think it’s better to leave it alone.
When a person is partnered with another, they have made a decision. And if you really think she is an amazing girl, then respect the choice she has made. If she ever becomes single again, wait a little while, and THEN tell her about your feelings.
In the meantime, if your feelings for her are getting overwhelming, then try spending less time with her and spend more time with single friends or doing other things. Focus on yourself, your own interests and finding someone who is available. There will be a girl who is everything you want, and available for dating, too. Go find her.
“If roads were collapsing all across the United States, killing dozens of drivers, we would surely see that as a moment to talk about what we could do to keep roads from collapsing. If terrorists were detonating bombs in port after port, you can be sure Congress would be working to upgrade the nation’s security measures. If a plague was ripping through communities, public-health officials would be working feverishly to contain it.
Only with gun violence do we respond to repeated tragedies by saying that mourning is acceptable but discussing how to prevent more tragedies is not. But that’s unacceptable.”—
DCKT Contemporary is pleased to present LIA HALLORAN’s fourth New York solo exhibition,Metamorphose, in our new location at 21 Orchard Street. Large-scale works feature HALLORAN’s unusual technique of laying ink on drafting film; the human form and the passage of time is simultaneously considered, where the organic body experiences a sublimation into the realm of the inanimate.
Referencing rocks and crystals collected in HALLORAN’s studio, the artist coerces the controlled movement of the ink from solution into solid. HALLORAN’s process begins less at the moment the ink is applied to the drafting film, but more at the point where the deep blue pigment undergoes a ‘self-reanimation’ and unpredictably migrates over the surface. HALLORAN describes this as a ‘negotiation’ within the medium, engaging in a game of action and reaction. The completed image fluctuates between strict representation, the intangible object and the inherent fluidity of the medium. What begins as a dual depiction of close friends used as live models and actual crystalline forms becomes a sensitive, performative dialogue between the organic and inorganic. Similar to the photographic process of HALLORAN’s Dark Skate series, the works illustrate how natural phenomena can overwhelm the body via scale, structure, time and the absence of light.
HALLORAN lives and works in Los Angeles and currently serves as Assistant Professor of Art at Chapman University (Orange, CA). She is a 2001 MFA graduate of the Yale University School of Art. Her work has been acquired by the Solomon R. Guggenheim Museum (New York), The Speyer Family Collection, (New York) and The Progressive Art Collection (Cleveland). Solo exhibitions have been held at venues in New York, Miami, Boston and Los Angeles. Group exhibitions include Haunted: Contemporary Photography / Video / Performance, Guggenheim Museum (Bilbao, Spain). HALLORAN’s work has been featured in publications including The New York Times, The New Yorker, The Boston Globe, The Los Angeles Times andNew York Magazine.
gabbyglamm asked you: Is it normal to be half in the closet and half out of the closet? I acknowledge my sexuality and most people in my family know but I’m still in the process of trying to love myself and I’m not fully out.
Hello! Yes, this is totally normal. Coming out is a process, and it’s different for everyone depending on our circumstances. It’s great that you’re out to some core people, and even better that you’re working on loving yourself. Being proud can take a lot of work, because you have to undo a lot of cultural conditioning about not being “normal” or worthy. Probably you will continue to come out to more people as you become more comfortable with yourself, and the more you do it the easier it will get (usually). The reality is that it’s impossible to be out every minute of the day everywhere. As your life progresses you will continually meet new people who will most likely assume you’re straight until you tell them otherwise. It’s more of a journey than a destination. Be gentle with yourself, you’re doing a great job.
Anonymous asked you: I am a butch lesbian who’s been single a long time because of baggage from a previous relationship, 3 years ago. The thing is I’m quiet, reserved, introverted, a little socially awkward and REALLY sensitive. I don’t take rejection well. I find this hinders my ability to get to know girls because from past experience, most of the girls I’ve met expect the butch to make the first move or to “chase” them. How do I overcome this?
Hi! Unfortunately, you’re struggling with some common stereotypes about identity and roles, and how this cultural baggage plays out in the dating world. First of all let me reassure you that just because you identify as butch you are not obligated to act any particular way, nor is it your job to be the pursuer in relationships. The most important thing you can do is make peace with who you actually are and what feels right to you. I promise that there are women out there of all types who enjoy making the first move, and it doesn’t have to be you. That being said, it’s worth exploring your fear of rejection and trying to remind yourself that if a woman you are interested in doesn’t return the sentiment it doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with you. It’s just about difference, and there is so much difference in taste and chemistry between people, that you need to try to stay open and trusting that someone who is a good fit for you will come along, even if it’s not right away. In general us queer girls can always benefit from being a bit braver, and telling each other how we feel more often. A lot of embarrassment and shame can get triggered when we think about flirting with or trying to get to know someone who we’re attracted to. Try to remember how flattering it is to be complemented in this way by someone else, and that at the end of the day you don’t lose anything by trying.
Anonymous asked you: So, I’m a freshman in college. During my break today, there was this girl who, just looking at her gave me butterflies. I did the normal kind-of-stalker thing, stealing quick glances here and there. I couldn’t help but notice rainbow earrings and her conversation about our LGBTQ center and national coming out day. Is there any way that I can talk to her, or introduce herself, or anything, without sounding like a jerk or being weird? The last thing I want is to seem like a creep. Thank you!
Hi, You’re not a creep, and nothing you did warrants you feeling like a creep. If you see someone you’re into, of course you’re going to look for clues of queerness. The good news is, you got them! It’s not like you followed her home or bugged her room. It’s very exciting to feel those butterflies and I’m sure she’d love to meet you. There’s no way to find out what she’ll think of you if you don’t start somewhere. Just try making conversation with her and see where it goes, and if you’re brave enough to ask her out on a date do it! Good luck!
Hi Cat, this isn't a question, but I just wanted to thank you for your blog. I recently came out as a lesbian, but I was raised catholic, so even though I know logically that there is nothing wrong with being gay, a part of my brain has been brainwashed against it. I struggle with it a LOT. Everyday I go on tumblr and read posts to remind myself Im not an abomination. People like you make the lives of people like me much easier, so once again, thank you.
Thank you for writing in. This is exactly what community is all about. Sometimes, when we find ourselves alone in our experience, we have to venture out to find others who understand who we are. You are not alone, and you are definitely not an abomination. Keep reading, keep reaching out and keep your lovely head up.
Hi there Cat! I have a slight problem: I'm a high school senior with a huge crush on my English teacher, who just so happens to be helping me write my college essays. Generally, when crushes are inappropriate, I'd just stop spending time with the person but that's not really an option here. Any advice on how to get over this? Btw, she's married with three kids so it's not even a plausible-but-weird-Loving-Annabelle sort of situation. Thanks!
Hi! This sounds so hard! Spending one-to-one time with a crush, especially a teacher/crush, can be really awesome and also super painful.
The crush is not a bad thing, though. It’s ok to get crushes, have crushes, feel crushy about people we cant be with. It’s ok. It’s kind-of involuntary. So please don’t get down on yourself for having the crush. It’s what we DO with the crush that’s important.
You’re smart to want to stop spending time with a person (in general) if you feel like having or acting on the crush would be inappropriate because you or the other person isn’t available for something romantic. And you’re right. It WOULD be inappropriate to act on the crush, because she is your teacher, and married with three kids. You also have to write your college essays and you want/need her help doing it, so you don’t feel you have the option of creating distance to help calm the crushy feelings.
So even though you don’t feel like there are options right now, lets see if we can come up with some more options for you.
And the first thing to consider is if you feel like you can refrain from being inappropriate. Can you have a crush and work with her without making a move?
If you can, then continue to work on your essays and have your crush, too. Crushes are totally ok to have. Before you know it, all your essays will be done and you can dial back the face to face solo time with your teacher. The crush may still be there but will feel less powerful. You might also tell her that you need to hurry the process along because you need to focus on your current classes, too. See if you can finish up your essays in fewer meetings. You could also try making your meetings shorter or you could start using phone, email or skype instead of face-to-face meetings to create a little more distance.
If you feel like you may actually make a move, be inappropriate, or if you become so preoccupied with your teacher that you can’t work on other school-related stuff, then it’s time to find another option for your essay help. Find a tutor, ask another English teacher, or try the email option instead.
You sound like a smart and savvy person, so I bet you can navigate this tricky situation even if it’s tough. And it’ll be good practice for the many more crushes you will have once you get into one of those colleges you’re applying to.
Hi Cat! After years in a hetero relationship, I have my first real crush a woman (past thinking she’s very pretty). We have mutual friends and from what I can tell, we would get along. She is something else, and I feel drawn to her in a way I have never felt about a stranger. But, I found out she recently got into a relationship. I feel almost heartbroken and, more so, uncomfortable about it because we don’t even know each other. How do I move on and stop being weird (for lack of a better word)?
Crushes are sooooooo wonderful and can also be really painful at the same time. The reason they can feel uncomfortable is because they are often on people we want to have more of a relationship with, than we currently do. They can have incredible power and can make us stumble on our sentences, blush, withdraw, talk incessantly, show off/act cool, act in mean ways/tease the person, feel awkward. And this all feels so uncomfortable, we often want to just make the feeling stop. But really, having crush feelings are important because they give us a lot of information about ourselves. (more on that in a sec.)
When we have a crush there are different ways to handle it.
1) Ask the crush out/make a move/confess the crush. This is no prob if you are both single. Complicated when one of you is in a relationship. Confessing crushes and making moves in this case can often change the crushy feelings into other feelings. Some feelings might feel good, some feelings will be more painful than the secret crush felt.
2) Say or do nothing with the person we are crushing about—but talk about it with friends, supportive people and act as if the crush doesn’t exist with the crush herself. (A great option if one/both of you is in a relationship). In this case, keep your eyes open for other people to crush on if your single.
3) Pretend the crush doesn’t exist at all (with ourselves and/or others).
So as far as what “to do” in this case, it’s defninately not the time to confess the crush or make a move. But it IS the time to think about all the feelings you’re having.
So coming back to my earlier point about crushes having information for us— I also think that crushes serve a purpose. Crushes tell us about ourselves and sometimes they can surprise us. They can be great opportunities to become clear about what we want in a person who we date. Sometimes a crush can turn into a relationship with the person we are crushing on, and sometimes that crush remains a secret. Sometimes the crush dwindles and falls away, and sometimes the crush remains for years. (So moving on isn’t always easy or simple). But they always have important information about what we want in our lives at the current moment and sorting through that info often helps with moving on.
So what is the purpose of THIS crush? (I can hear you asking…) Well first… she is your “first real crush on a woman (past thinking she’s very pretty)” That’s a big deal, because it’s clarifying something for you. You are really interested in getting to know another girl in a romantic sense. Now I know that might seem obvious, but go with me here. You haven’t ever had a crush or a relationship with a girl before that felt like this one. There will be another crush and probably a relationship soon to come. And probably more after that. But she is your FIRST crush. So of COURSE you feel sadness when she has gotten into a relationship, because it makes the crushy feelings feel more complicated. But you are perfectly normal and not “weird.” Having and admitting to yourself that you have a first big, heart-poundingly-lovely crush on a girl is what coming to terms with your own orientation is all about.
The truth is, there are things about her that are amazing to you. So, start to break it down. Your friends have told you a lot about her—and you know that you feel attracted to her. So what are those things that make you excited? Is it how she carries herself? Her eyes? Is she creative or really into hobbies or bands or movies that you like? Note these things to yourself, or write them down. And start to keep your eyes peeled for those qualities in other people.
The last thing is this—and it’s important. When we are drawn to certain qualities in others, they are often things we feel we would like more of in our own lives. Are you drawn to someone because they are accomplished, kind, stable, generous, creative…Do you wish you possessed more of those traits yourself? Are there ways to cultivate more of those things?
Ant the other last thing is this. If you find yourself around her and you are fumbling for words or feel yourself blushing, just know that you are totally normal and lovely. And most people, if they can tell the crush is present for someone else, take it as a compliment. How did you feel when you sensed that someone had a crush on you in the past?